Updated: Sep 17
I'm grateful for the years I had medications and when I hurt in my body, I take the meds the doctors prescribe. Every anti-psychotic I've been on however has hurt my body over time, that's why I've been on so many different ones since I entered the psychiatric system at age 15. Every time my body has had a negative reaction to that class of medication and severe reactions at that. As a teenager, my muscles would spasm and I would randomly collapse wherever I happened to be. In 2019 I experienced full blown Parkinsonism (the same symptoms as Parkinson's, only medication induced).
I have personal experience with what the meds feel like in my body because I'm the one taking them. I'm the patient and because I've been a drug addict most of my life, I know myself, I know my body. I'm in tune with myself. I have worked extremely hard to get off cigarettes in 2019, hard drugs since 2008, alcohol since 2018 (minus one slip in February 2020), and caffeine since July 2020. I've kept records of all this of course, amongst what I experienced in detox from the pharma in May to December 2020 then again in January 2021.
I have been in psychosis since about January 2019. I may have made questionable choices at times, especially in the area of love, but I didn't hurt anyone or harm myself. This is why I'm so upset.
It hurts to have my autonomy taken away. It hurts to feel physically unwell for years and years and feel ignored by the psychiatric medical system when I voice it. How loud do I have to scream that I'm being hurt by the medication(s) and that I'm traumatized by their treatment of seclusion rooms before I'm believed? Before they stop hurting me?
Then I look at all the Indigenous children's remains and the history of what has been done to their people and my heart breaks ten-fold.
When I'm sick and need meds - I'll take them. I seek alternative and holistic medicines to get well because I've tried the pharmaceutical med route for my mental health for 20 years. I also believe psychosis is an ailment of my spirit. It's an incredibly spiritual experience to have.
I was doing much better until I removed a progesterone in November 2020. When I did, my hormones went nuts (aka mood swings). The psychiatric system is claiming I had a mental health relapse where I believe I had the side effects of detoxing off of a pharmaceutical med.
My psychosis isn't what the psychiatry system claims it is. It's basically spirituality, hope, and a belief in a higher power. A belief in purpose. My psychosis is not dangerous and I'm not going to get lost in it. It's like being on psychedelic drugs, but you don't need drugs for it. It's just the way God made my brain. I believe I can learn to navigate Wonderland and still be well in this world with others.
Obviously, not everyone who experiences psychosis feels this way. Everyone is different. I've been pretty broken by my treatment this winter in hospital and my current treatment plan: an injected anti-psychotic. I've been lower than ever and that's not brain chemistry. That's the side effect of having your personal rights removed. Having my psychiatrist believe me would be so much more healing to my mental health than that.