Updated: Feb 9, 2021
I just had the most amazing chat with my mom. She was the one who called the Crisis line which brought police to my home on the eve on December 12, 2020, from which I am still in hospital.
As my community knows, in April 2020 I decided to come off my meds on my own, meaning covertly. I started with the antipsychotic and came off it completely by May 31, 2020. Within a week Black Lives Matter (BLM) hit and took me for a HUGE spin. I also lost a dear friend too young.
I live in the basement suite of my mom’s house. She and Saba have been my shipwreck mates throughout COVID (as I’ve called us).
In January 2020 I left a 4+ year relationship with Dave — a man who was 23 years older than me. When I moved home, I had no life skills. I’d been with Rob from 2011 - 2015 and Dave from 2015 - 2020. Both of these ex-romantic partners took great care of me as I have very sick since meeting both of them.
I have not always been the cleanest person. By July 1, 2020, I decided to skip a Meet Up in which people were doing a small outdoor Canada Day gathering with alcohol. I decided to stay home and clean my entire suite instead. From that date I maintained my cleanliness.
Below was how my kitchen looked from January - July 2020. I rinsed and ate off dirty dishes.
After July 1:
Seeing I was going through detox secretly there were still times when my suite got dirty, but I always made up for the days I couldn’t clean on the good days. The Voices also moved in. Darryn became a HUGE help in teaching me to cook telepathically and knowing how to nudge me on good days to get things cleaned. PS. I’ve always been organized and tidy. It’s actual cleaning I’ve struggled with.
Dr. Andrea was kept informed since June 2020 of all the meds I was dropping and how it was going. I made videos of the seizures I experienced when beginning to detox off the mood stabilizer, which hospital has kept me on, alongside has added 2 anti-psychotics and an anti-anxiety. I also never fully had the chance to come off of the mood stabilizer. When I removed a Progesterone however, at the end of November, I crashed. Hard.
I’m thrilled by tonight’s conversation with my mom as despite my deceiving she can testify how well I did from July until November 2020. She was impressed by how well I was taking care of myself and of Saba (my birdie daycare as I called it) which I created a play zone for Saba in my suite everyday and cleaned it up after her every night. I also took over Saba’s feeding, once I was able to cook and feed myself thanks to Darryn and Team Everybody (the Voices in my head).
Wonderland can be a scary place. I keep telling people that although there’s hookah smoking caterpillars there’s also a queen that wants Alice’s head. I’m saying this as not everybody wants to work with the Voices.
I learned through the channel that Voices from The Universe (aka God/Allah/Source) are never rushed. There’s never a negative consequence or rush to do something. I am always on time. The Summer was rough however trying to sift through the voices to see and know which ones were aiding and which ones were harmful. Voices that aid are always respectful and never cause panic, anxiety or fear.
In November 2020 I came off the Progesterone I’d been on for a diagnosis of Adenomyosis. I hadn’t had a menstrual cycle in over 4 years. Every detox had different experiences. The anti-psychotic one spiked my anxiety, especially when BLM hit. The Progesterone opened a floodgate of sexual trauma my uterus has been holding for a while. I began to experience extreme episodes of PTSD. Whole body convulsions, screaming at invisible violent men to get off of me.
My first hospitalization was on December 4, 2020. I asked to be taken to hospital as I knew I was unwell. On the day of December 12, 2020, I told my mom I was unwell, that I had been high (as in awake) too long. I was thrilled to hear these things from my mother tonight as it means I’ve been coherent enough to know when I needed help. It also means that for 2 whole meds I detoxed on my own and did significantly better without them.
I never got the chance to detox off the mood-stabilizer completely as I was still in the process of detoxing when I removed the Progesterone. I have asked Dr. Gunn and my family to grant me autonomy over my body. I want support when coming off the meds when out of hospital. Having to hide it put my health at risk. I have videos and journal entries to support this and everything I’ve had to go through alone — Well, without the support of physical people aiding me. I chose this risk as some people around me don’t (or perhaps didn’t) believe it’s possible to heal from mental illness. Throughout all my detoxes this year I experienced no depression and no mania until December 2020 after the Progesterone was removed. By that time I’d already removed 275mg of the mood stabilizer with 200mg remaining.
I’m glad I had a chance to clear up what happened with my mom. I’m more glad however that it was I that went to her and told her I wasn’t ok in early December. I consciously made that choice. I know myself better than anyone. I trust me.
In 2019 I did a filmed talk called The Art of Mental Wellness. I quit smoking cigarettes that January 2019 because I wanted to be well. That aim has not changed.