I’ve had a lot of reflection lately. Mostly about past romantic relationships and how awful I acted and treated some of my lovers. Hard drugs and alcohol didn’t look good on me. They made me irritable, aggressive.
This isn’t written about one relationship in particular. It was a theme in many. I can’t go back and change what’s been, how I acted, but I can move forward with more awareness and changed behaviour. I‘m not who I used to be.
Sobriety from drugs and alcohol has been a great gift. A difficult gift sometimes as I have to acknowledge things I did to others while under the influence. It’s not easy to acknowledge harms I’ve done.
Having a lifetime of journals can be painful. I can take myself back to those relationships and it becomes real again, as if I’m living it. The disrespect, the chaos, but also the love (as unhealthy as it may have been). It’s hard to believe I have so many memories, first hand experiences, saved from the times I was living them. Notes from lovers. Poetry. Photographs. Art.
I can’t believe I am where I am today. Clean. Sober. Single. Happy. Free. I love who I’ve become and I don’t want to go back to who I was. The love was real but so was the chaos, the self loathing, the addictions.
I may not have a lover right now but I have many friends, a bird, a family, and a whole community who love and support me. I am blessed beyond belief. I know what storms I had to endure to get here. I know more storms will come. But I… I’m grateful to be here. Thank you for being here with me.