A little poem I wrote tonight. Fear not, I am still sober and going strong (1187 days). This was based on memories. I’m sorry if the religious content offends anyone.
An Alcoholics Prayer
Jesus, if you will,
please turn the wine
back into water.
If this is your blood
then your blood
is harming me.
Vomit stench seeping
into my hair and sheets.
Spinning as I try to sleep.
Blackouts impartially
wiping my memories.
Waking not knowing
where I am,
how I got here,
and… who is he?
Fractures of fights
trapped in blurs.
Screaming,
slammed doors,
wailing.
Shattered glass upon the floor.
One night stands, shame,
self harm, anxiety.
Guzzling glasses
to stop the feelings.
Paramedics, police
and attorneys.
Lost love and broken families.
On my knees pleading
to your father for sobriety:
“God, if you’re listening,
then please help me.”
Nothing about this
is holy.
I have been an admirer of your work since I discovered it and, and as a fellow friend of Bill W., even more an admirer of your courage and candour in sharing your "experience, strength and hope" and in what you have accomplished creatively whilst in recovery. I have been in successful recovery for quite a long time, but continue to have difficulty in forgiving myself for much of my behaviour whilst a practising alcoholic. Self-compassion is a daily challenge. What has helped is reading or listening to podcasts from Dr Kristin Neff, specifically on self-compassion, and more recently hearing a counsellor suggesting that recovering addicts suffer from a measure of PTSD, and approaching my issues on that basis. Yo…