Updated: May 23, 2019
Okay guys, this is a LONG one, but I think it's worth reading? hahaha :)
Something has shifted… My perspective has been altered. I don’t know how it happened, and honestly I think it’s been gradual. Layer after layer has unfolded in my life journey until now. This exact moment in which I type is the clearest I’ve ever been, so clear it’s terrifying. Humanity is on the verge of extinction, maybe not in my lifetime, but in the overall history of the human race, we will most likely be our own demise.
I don’t know who I am or why I’m here. I don’t even know where I am, I just know how my mind and senses are perceiving it. I am here, in my home, in my living room, on my couch, typing black letters on a white background while staring at a screen on my laptop computer.
Yes, I can see and sense my surroundings. I am aware of myself as separate than others and my environment. And yet at a subatomic level there is no separation - no division.
I have struggled with my concepts of reality for a long time. When in psychosis as a teenager, and in my 20’s, I thought ghosts and spirits were haunting me. You see, I have always had a fascination with religion, philosophy and spirituality. I was raised in the United Church, which teaches the bible as a story to derive meaning from but not to take literally.
The next church I encountered was the Pentecostals. I have not always been a 'good' person.... I left home at 14 and by 15 I was in trouble with the law. I was caught shoplifting condoms and other items. I was with two of my minions - as we called them. I was 15, in the 10th grade, and I had taught a few 8th graders to shoplift and sell the wares. I was out of the store when they came out and security nabbed them. I made a HUGE false move - I had acknowledged them while in the store so security grabbed me too. Because I was shoplifting condoms the security guard propositioned me. When I turned him down, he called the cops. I spent seven hours in a holding cell. Seeing I was 15 and not living with my parents, I was released into a youth shelter.
My memories are blurry, and let’s be honest, the story of my life is composed of shredded recollections. I don’t remember a lot of things from my past, but the interesting thing is I kept journals. I have my day to day life recorded in poetry, drawings, and writing since… well, since I was 3. My parents kept a scrapbook of my artwork that was started at the age of 3.
From the youth shelter I ended up couch surfing again. Often, I’d meet guys who would bring me home with them and let me crash for a while. Sometimes they were older, but most of the places I stayed were with male friends my age. Often, the male friend lived in a single mother type household and their mom would take pity on me and take me in.
I was fortunate to meet two very special mothers, one who introduced me to AA and the other who helped me get my community service done at a local Pentecostal Church after I was arrested for shoplifting. I had met her son at a Drug and Alcohol clinic that I had also been ordered to attend.
Therein began my adventure of being in psychosis while attending a fundamentalist church. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Pentecostal Church, they are a Christian sect known for speaking in tongues. Some members also believe in demonic possession.
Attending fundamentalist youth groups and activities became a fun pastime for me. I was friends with the outcasts - the sinners - who came to the groups and events but didn't belong. We snuck hard drugs, alcohol, and pot to church events and then hid away and shared them. We were the opposite of the bible thumpers. We didn’t go to pray or be prayed for, we went because we were friends. We were lost ‘sinners’ that the community was trying to save. Me though, I was in psychosis. I thought demons and spirits were haunting me while attending a community that supported that notion. It was hell. Seriously, I have learned in my later years that it really was a terrifying hell created by my psyche and the environment around me at the time.
I have always had a fascination with religion, philosophy and spirituality. I love not knowing why I’m here, who I am, or where I am… What is this place we call ‘reality’ anyway? I LOVE not knowing, because I love learning and hearing all the explanations, beliefs, and ideas. The mystery of life is a beautiful tapestry that, for me, is not meant to be solved, but explored and experienced.
I have been having a shift in my consciousness. For a lifetime I have been caught in stories and uncontrolled emotions. For the first time I feel true hope. I have been abiding to the four pillars I mention in my presentation as well as am continuing to practice mindfulness and staying present. I have never been more clear or grounded.
I have discovered that I can be whoever I want to be, but I must plant the intention. So I repeat over and over what I want to be. I say out loud to the Universe: I am resilient, I am strong, I am empathetic, I am honest, I am kind etc.
When the darkness and anxiety come, and they still do, as soon as I notice I'm feeling crappy, I try to pull myself back to the present moment where I am safe. The anxiety and depression creep in when I'm alone, caught in my head. Sometimes triggers are pulled by others too. Whatever the reason, I try to be conscious of how I am feeling as the only way I can change a feeling is to discover and acknowledge the thoughts that surround it. Once I identify and acknowledge the thoughts, I can accept the thought(s) or I can change the narrative. I can also detach, move back to the present moment, and let the thought move along.
For some reason these philosophies - things I've known for eons - are not just knowledge... I am actually applying them and it's been powerful.
In a world where I can be anything, I really don’t know who I want to be… Career wise, an entrepreneurial artist? A public speaker?…. I really didn’t think I’d live long enough, so I’ve never asked myself these kinds of questions (YES, to both by the way).
I have decided that I need to go on an adventure. I don't know if it's physically traveling somewhere or simply exploring my spirituality. Probably both and more. I don’t know where I want to go yet.
I've been the cause of some major changes in my life as of late. Believe me, I am monitoring my state to assure that I am not going manic. I just saw my therapist yesterday and she feels I am grounded and making decisions in a sound mind.
I am simply planting seeds with the universe. Intentions if you will. I have been following my intuition - that gut feeling that emerges when I quiet my thoughts. As strange as it sounds, I trust that I am going in the right direction. Humanity may (or may not) be on our final chapter in the grand book of life, but this chapter of my life has just begun.