Four Years Abstinent from Marijuana
- Amy Frank
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Today, I'm 4 years abstinent from marijuana. What a journey!
I used marijuana a lot throughout my youth. It, amongst other substances, twisted my perception, twisting my art in turn. However, it also made me socially anxious and paranoid. I didn’t use it much in my 20’s. It wasn't until my early 30's that I got into it again. Instead of fear, a magical and beautiful world began to unfold... I approached my usage like a spiritual journey, asking Mother Marijuana for guidance. And guidance she gave (and gave well) until the last time I used on July 21, 2022. I'd had 8 months abstinent. Once again I became so anxious and paranoid that I knew my time with her was over, she'd given me all I needed to know.
I'm deeply grateful for the journey she took me on and I also acknowledge that from 2019 until 2021 I was in a marijuana induced psychosis. I couldn't function in what I now call 'shared reality'. For me, marijuana was like a psychedelic drug. It weakened the veil between worlds, opening my psyche and soul to the light, yes, but also to darkness. Obviously this experience isn't rooted in science and I also know that I'm not the only one who's had deeply spiritual experiences (for worse or better) under the influence of certain substances. I now feel as if recreational drug use, including alcohol and marijuana, as well as casual or meaningless sex, opens a doorway for harmful entities and energies to reach us, particularly those of us who are seen as 'highly sensitive'.
I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't experienced the 2019 to 2021 psychosis, and I also wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't gotten off the drugs (including marijuana), alcohol, casual sex, and psychiatric medications. I had to go into the darkness to find the light. To keep the light, I had to remove all that was keeping my soul shrouded in darkness.
~Amy Frank
I was so high when I drew this that it took me over a decade to realize it didn't say: "Inspiration".
This original no longer belongs to me. This is the only photo I have of it, when a friend and I were rolling joints on top of the original drawing.
I lost this art piece when I was a teenager. In my early 20’s a young man, who was around my age, emailed me saying that he’d found it years ago in Beacon Hill Park and that he’d finally had it framed. This was the photo he sent me (it’s the only photo I have of it).
You can't see the whole drawing in this photograph, but on it are lyrics from “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls:
"And I can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moments of truth in the lies...
When everything feels like the movies...
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive."
I did not invent stoner smurf, it was somebody else's art that I saw back then and copied.
"The Golden Journal" is a book I wrote at the height of the 2019 to 2021 psychosis, as well as where I processed some of its early aftermath.
Although I still credit the psychosis as being filled with light, hope, and magic (a spiritual awakening that introduced me to a world I’d wish real for everyone), it was deeply terrifying as well. I was also going through medication withdrawal which compounded the experience, both physically and psychologically.
I reached a point where there were too many voices for me to function. I felt like Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager (Season 5, episode 7: Infinite Regress) when Voyager got too close to a damaged Borg vinculum. She started hearing the voices of all those she'd assimilated when she was still Borg.
It was too much. I was afraid to speak or even type certain words. I felt lost in the chaos, especially once I was admitted to hospital. There’s a scene in that episode that illustrates exactly how I felt in PIC (Psychiatric Intensive Care). Although I know they were trying to help me, I still feel brutally traumatized by Western Medicine’s treatment. There are better ways to help people – ways that don’t leave them with more pain, psychological distress, or trauma.
This time period is where “The Golden Journal” came in – it was my safe space.
Page 12 of a short 15-page (including cover) Graphic Novel I wrote and illustrated in 2022 called "Escaping Wonderland".
Page 13 of a short 15-page (including cover) Graphic Novel I wrote and illustrated in 2022 called "Escaping Wonderland".
Page 14 of a short 15-page (including cover) Graphic Novel I wrote and illustrated in 2022 called "Escaping Wonderland".
I didn’t want to leave Wonderland, however I had to get off the marijuana as well as the other mind-altering substances. The psychosis led me into the darkness, it taught me that the way out was through–that I had to feel my emotions, learn to regulate them, and heal the trauma so that I’d stop trying to numb myself. Following that guidance is what's led me to where I am now.
I'm grateful that since January 2020, when I first began hearing what I came to call “the voice” (believing–for the first time ever–that I had telepathic abilities), I haven’t been alone since. It opened a doorway–a connection to what feels like a collective of people or energies that I'm always in contact with. It continues to be the most beautiful, hopeful, and heartwarming experience.
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