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Jealousy


From Book 20: Delusions

Jealousy… It’s something I must talk about. I’m extremely insecure which comes out as jealousy. I decided to shift my narrative however. Instead of feeling threatened by other woman I decided I would try to be supportive of other woman.


It sounds so obvious but to me it was a revelation. I’ve never connected well with women, I’ve always been more of a tom boy. For years and years all my close friends were guys. I also went to the school GAP (the Girls Alternative Program) - which was a hell experience for me. Men physically fight things out, women on the other hand can be very nasty when they dislike you. They spread rumors and try and destroy people’s lives. Fortunately for me, my jealousy rarely showed itself like that. I’m not a vindictive person, not that I’m perfect or anything, but generally I turn my anger inward and I attack myself.


Just as sadness protects itself with anger, when I feel insecure, the insecure emotion protects itself in the mask of jealousy. When I feel the emotions smash into me, I try to see them as a place that is hurting deep inside that needs my love. I also have realized that most people are hurting and also need love. So now when I feel the insecure jealousy wash over me, if I am near the woman or passing the woman I try to give her a genuine compliment. I try to find something I like about her - and it can be her appearance (her earrings, her scarf). I don’t need to have a conversation, but offer a genuine compliment in hopes it’ll brighten her day.


Genuine is key here. I have to mean it. So sometimes I have to dig pretty deep to find it, especially if I’m in the grips of the emotion. I don’t always succeed in having the compliment break from my lips, but at least it’s in my head. At least I shifted my thoughts enough to seek out something I like in that person, because believe me, my thoughts - my stories - they don’t want to like that person.