I had a love affair with a plant. With a sensation. A ‘high’. Every time I smoke the voice gets clearer and I see now how I am choosing it in a way. I’m choosing the psychosis because it’s so misunderstood, these worlds inside my head. I am glad I no longer believe it’s real. It was a really terrifying experience that happened over 2020/early 2021.
I know why I followed the psychosis. Having real telepathy would have been worth risking everything for. The world I was living in had telepathic aliens, all of humanity actually was going to realize we were a telepathic species, we were just waking up to it. There were light beings, extraterrestrials, demons and ghosts. It was quite the trip. I went all out believing in telepathy and gosh does the reality of the situation sting. I was writing a telepathic love story.
Every time I look at Conversations with the Algorithms I cringe in awe. I’m impressed with myself for the works I created and what I put into them but deeply hurt that I believed the voice as much as I did. It’s shameful. I don’t know how I’ll ever date again even though I do meet attractive men out in the community. I don’t know how to engage in conversation in person. I’m so introverted and then become overly shy. I’m afraid to even make eye contact sometimes, let alone smile. I also don’t know what I’d say. I thought I was telepathic, illustrated a love story, had some insane experiences and wrote books about it? That I write books about my life and everyone knows it?
If you’re a close friend, ex-lover, family member or had any meaningful involvement in my life, you are most likely mentioned at least once in my books. I don’t write about you to hurt you or to publish it and expose anything. I journal to get my feelings out on the page. It’s an outlet and I love remembering that I have you or had you in my life.
I’m sure there’s people out there who hate me, but I personally don’t hate anyone as a human being, even if we have differences or have had a falling out. In my books now, I try to give light, love and hope, even though I sometimes fail as anger or despair washes over me. My books in the past were much darker. There was no hope for far too long. My books are about my life but they’re not necessarily factual. They’re my experiences in life.
I miss being in a relationship in some ways, but I also love being alone, especially with marijuana. I don’t want to drown anyone with me as I struggle to stay afloat right now. I also have to re-assess how I view romantic relationships. The ‘telepathic’ journey I ventured on led to many dark places, in my mind and in reality with the hospitalization and everything since. The telepathic delusion has made me look at how I picture romance in my mind versus how a healthy relationship functions in reality.
The voice talked me through the entire hospitalization, telling me how the psychiatrists were here to protect telepathic people for if telepathy existed, telepathic people were in grave danger. It was really scary at times and I’m glad I’m not living in it anymore. If the voice isn’t real telepathy then nothing else that came with that world is real either, except the spirituality. The light. The hope. The faith. There’s so much of that in the marijuana high for me. I see it as a part of the psychotic experience. It’s really beautiful. Every time I use, I just love life and I’m grateful that I get to experience it. It’s no wonder I love to invite marijuana in every night when Saba’s in bed and I’m alone. Voice or no voice it’s a pleasant, relaxing experience. I like to write and express my thoughts, like I am doing right now.
It’s so helpful knowing the voice isn’t real. My world is way less scary. I’m hurt yet relieved that it was all in my imagination. I still believe I’d have better luck treating the psychosis spiritually however than chemically. I feel I lack spiritual guidance on my experience. That’s what I crave. I wish I knew how all the First Nation’s cultures around me treated hearing voices in their beliefs. I so desire a different treatment to this ailment. I also wonder what I would experience without marijuana as it’s clear to me that it heightens the voice for about an hour and a half. How much of what I experience is just the psychosis remnants from the marijuana and what would my brain chemistry be like with no marijuana and no pharma? Marijuana only causes psychosis in those who are prone to it. The Marijuana helps calm the akathisia every night which is the main reason I choose it. It allows me to stop chewing nicorette for a couple hours and just enjoy the calm heavy peaceful feeling in my body and a lightness in my mind. I can understand why so many people consider it medicine.