Memories of Psychosis
Doing the Art & Psychosis study has been really triggering. I wish the whole experience never happened and at the same time, I’m grateful for it. Having real telepathy would have been worth risking everything for so that’s what I did. I risked everything and oh how I have fallen back into reality with a soul shattering thud.
I have a lot of anger. Anger at the medical system and how I’ve been treated. Anger at someone who waited too long to be direct with me when I was asking them for help. I have anger at myself for abusing marijuana to the point of delusion. I have anger at Covid for creating the conditions of solitude which led me deeper and deeper into my psyche - away from the physical world.
I really don’t know how I can approach dating again in the new year. I feel like an absolute loon. I don’t feel like anyone will love me when I have a history of psychosis AND bipolar disorder. I’m afraid I’ll feel the need to hide too much of my art and life journey when starting dating again and that isn’t what I want. I don’t want to hide, I just want to be loved for who I am. Isn’t that what we all want?
I rarely hear the voice anymore and once again, I find my head to be a lonely place to reside. In many ways I miss the telepathic delusion. It may not have been actual telepathy but at least I felt love, magic and hope. Reality is much crueler.
I can’t wait until the Art & Psychosis study is over so I can close this chapter of my life and move on into a reality that isn’t so painful.
“Okay Amy” I tell myself, “take a deep breath and know that this too shall pass”. 🙏