The Pills

Written June 7, 2006 (Age 20)

The pills... God, just remember the pills.

I fiend off them now,

I use them as some sorta power

in a place

where I have none.

The pills...

I must remember the pills...

Seven in my hand,

don’t gag,

simply toss in

and swallow mechanically.

Now close your eyes...

and breathe....

Fuck!

I must take my pills!...

or I shake....

and I shake...

and I become cold beneath my skin...

My mind gets weary then,

flickering in and out of what is.

Concentration a dead loss, and conversation an art

I yearn to master.

-- How to seem fine when you know you’re not --

It passes.

Acting,

lying

(another art I yearn to master).

The pills, I must have my pills!

If nothing else it is the last place I can look too

to cling to my sanity.

To my normality.

Oh god, the pills....

Please, please,

I need my pills.

Anger flashes, as frustration triumphs

and a total lack of hope or faith prevails.

I fall back into the hole --

the well,

reeling backwards for an eternity.

Watching as the round circle of sky gets smaller and smaller.

Knowing now that stars never fall from the sky,

they simply just fade away.

Watching in the mirror as I fade.

Searching,

Searching,

for the sake or belief

that there is something greater than this

out there.

...Well,

at least I still believe.

Running in circles through the maze that plagues my mind.

Dead end,

after dead end,

after dead end.

Sit and wait for the walls to fall.

Sit and wait because I can’t keep on running.

And then run

beca