The Pills
Written June 7, 2006 (Age 20)
The pills... God, just remember the pills.
I fiend off them now,
I use them as some sorta power
in a place
where I have none.
The pills...
I must remember the pills...
Seven in my hand,
don’t gag,
simply toss in
and swallow mechanically.
Now close your eyes...
and breathe....
Fuck!
I must take my pills!...
or I shake....
and I shake...
and I become cold beneath my skin...
My mind gets weary then,
flickering in and out of what is.
Concentration a dead loss, and conversation an art
I yearn to master.
-- How to seem fine when you know you’re not --
It passes.
Acting,
lying
(another art I yearn to master).
The pills, I must have my pills!
If nothing else it is the last place I can look too
to cling to my sanity.
To my normality.
Oh god, the pills....
Please, please,
I need my pills.
Anger flashes, as frustration triumphs
and a total lack of hope or faith prevails.
I fall back into the hole --
the well,
reeling backwards for an eternity.
Watching as the round circle of sky gets smaller and smaller.
Knowing now that stars never fall from the sky,
they simply just fade away.
Watching in the mirror as I fade.
Searching,
Searching,
for the sake or belief
that there is something greater than this
out there.
...Well,
at least I still believe.
Running in circles through the maze that plagues my mind.
Dead end,
after dead end,
after dead end.
Sit and wait for the walls to fall.
Sit and wait because I can’t keep on running.
And then run
because I can’t stand to wait.
Dreams swelling my mind at night!
Awaking in worlds that may never exist!
SCREAMING!
Because I just don’t understand...
I don’t know how to.
Thinking....
of a boy
or a man
that without knowing has claimed a precious part of my mind.
Or is it my heart that beats for just one more kiss...?
Or my soul retching in agony for I can never have him close enough to me again...?
Even as he slides his way between my thighs it is not enough!
I want to breathe him in with every breath
and probe his mind.
I want it all!
I want more then he can give!
More than I can give!
And more than I know how to receive....
So just touch me
and we may lay in this darkness together.
But please just touch and do not hold,
for I have to let you go...
I have to make sure you never slip into the darkness --
My darkness.
But as I drown
I will reach out for you.
Fingertips touch, as in the mural that arcs the sky,
and I will pray for you,
I will pray that you overcome the darkness.
Tears slice my cheeks as razors slide between my hands.
The blood is weak,
as I lick my wounds like the savage I have become.
Through the yearnings of the flesh that so forcefully erupt,
your name amidst the pleasure,
I see the things I wish to ignore,
turning my head in vain.
Knowing you and me could never be...
Questioning your mind as I am questioning mine.
Absorbing the pain that lulls around your face:
Confusion and Sorrow.
Wishing I could breathe it in
and take it away.
Wishing that I could take all the pain.
So as to live in vain,
knowing I have saved your soul.
Eyes low.
Let it go...
and take the pills
to save my soul.