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The Story of the Star

Updated: Dec 31, 2020

Three Part BLOG: The Story of the Star

From Book 20: Delusions


October 9, 2019

I have a lot of stories and I am aware that they are that: Stories. In reality there is only the moment in which I type. Everything else - every word - every thought - is a narrative I’ve created to make sense of the world as well as partake in it. Humans by nature are storytellers.

One of my favourite stories has been built on intuition (following my gut instinct), symbols, and signs. I like numbers. The Star of David is perhaps the most meaningful symbol however. I’m sure some people have wondered why it appears in my work when I state in my talk, The Art of Mental Wellness, that I am not religious.

On my Great Aunt’s death bed (the ‘Frank’ side) she told our family that we were Jewish. She and my Papops (as we called Grandpa Frank), their family had fled Germany to Canada around the second World War and they changed their religion out of fear. She had carried this secret for most of her life.

I have always had a strong pull towards the holocaust - Especially: Anne Frank. It figures, right? Haha. I get asked if I’m related to Anne Frank A LOT. I’m probably not though (in the close genetic sense of relatives at least). I’ve also never fully read the Diary of Anne Frank. I do struggle with reading, however, and I was quite young when I last tried to read it.

I have experienced many haunted dreams from the holocaust. Images of people screaming as gas filled the chamber. The sound of people’s nails clawing at the walls. They are horrifying to recall. I’ve never been to Europe and I don’t research the Holocaust anymore like I did when I was a teenager (around the time I discovered my Jewish ancestry). It’s the stories and photographs I’d see online from the Holocaust that led to the nightmares. And yet, I could never turn away. I’d research more and more. I also still watched Horror Movies back then which caused more images and sounds being glued into my memory to terrorize me.

When I was 17, while these events were occurring, I was living by myself in Fernwood. I was clean from drugs, but still an avid alcoholic, as it was closer to the beginning of my time in that apartment. I had been living in a Foster Care Home prior to moving to Fernwood, which is how I briefly cleaned up (but that’s another story).

At 17, I was experiencing what Western Medicine calls ‘psychosis’. I was in psychosis for years after the street drugs were removed. In my psychosis I thought ghosts and spirits were haunting me. Horror movies and terrible massacres and disasters stuck to me - branding themselves into my memories. I still can’t get the image from The Ring out of my haunted head (when she crawls out of the TV). Yet, at a whole other level, I know that it’s acting. That they’re special effects. That what I am watching is not real. Even with all that ‘knowing’ it didn’t change my legitimate fear of ghosts.

It was bad. I couldn’t face my own reflection as I feared when I saw myself that I would also see someone standing behind me. Songs like “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Michael Jackson and Rockwell played incessantly as the soundtrack of my life. I was haunted and terrorized from the inside out. …And yet I had to partake in the world. I had function in our society which does not tolerate ‘insanity’.

I was afraid of all reflective surfaces and when I did see my reflection, I didn’t know who she was. So much had happened to me by the age of 17. But most of all, I was lonely. I had a beer, a book, and a pen. Those three things kept me alive, at the bare minimum, on the very worst days, those were three things I could lean on for support.

The Story of the Star is a journal entry from October 2003. I was 17 years old when I wrote it.

**Please note, all names have been changed - as they always are - to respect privacy.**

PART II (video): The Story of the Star


October 9, 2019 (Continued...)

So that is how The Star of David started to become symbolic to me. It was a symbol of hope and strength.

After I branded the Star of David into my wrist, it became a lifesaver as I branded it directly down the centre vein. Fearful that I’d fail the suicide attempt, I never cut my arms vertically, following the vein, as I was afraid I’d survive and ruin the Star. In essence, The Star of David saved my arms from a knife over and over aga