...Yes. The ones we can bear. I have been sexually abused and raped more than once in life. It's something I don't talk about. The first time, I was 15 at a party. It was the first time I had sex.
So here I am, 17 years later, sharing this poem I wrote when I was 15 after the rape. I call it: The Walking Dead. ______________________________
THE WALKING DEAD
Alone she sits. Dumb to the lips, And deaf to the ear. The rumors, The gossip, have passed her by, Without impact.
Her eyes are a window Into her reality - A reality As empty, As vast, And as vague, as the depths of space... Like a hole, Which has no bottom.
She walks, She breathes, She stares, Into some bleak abyss, Where she's made her home.
Because somewhere, Deep inside, There is a memory, Of so much helplessness, And horror... That one night, She closed her eyes, And ceased to exist.
The walking dead. ______________________________
Coming out about sexual assault, harassment, abuse, or rape is incredibly hard to do - even for an advocate like me. There is so much shame I have carried, thinking it was my fault, as if I did something wrong and somehow deserved it.
The trauma of the first rape led me deeper into drugs, which prompted many more horrific situations of sexual abuse.
I learned at a very young age that if men wanted sex, to give it to them, for if I didn't, they would take it anyway.
I have been in the sex trade - not for money per say, but for drugs. I am not proud of that, but I won't be shamed either. It may seem like it was a "choice", but it wasn't, it was survival.
I have delved into many "What ifs" throughout my life. What if I hadn't been raped, would I have fallen as hard into using? Would I have ended up in more situations with the same outcome?
But "What ifs" don't change "What is."
For all the other women and men out there who can relate - I am so sorry... I know the pain and the shame. I never went to the police as I honestly thought I was worthless and that I deserved it.
I was so, so, wrong.
Photo of me (Age 16).