What We Do With Our Pain

“The moment someone starts making you feel something you don’t like, you start blaming them for it.” (A quote from Silvia Pohrib, the creator of the video this blog was inspired by)

Link To The Video:

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1DEniY4m37/?mibextid=wwXIfr

This is how many triggers work. In this example, Frollo feels aroused by Esmeralda’s sensuality and he doesn’t like that. It feels immoral so he goes on to demonize Esmeralda because the feelings and sensations that her presence evoke make him feel powerless. He’s no longer in control of his bodily reactions and thoughts. It feels easier to control her than to face what’s coming up inside himself.

For Frollo to lean into that—to explore these uncomfortable feelings and thoughts—would resemble what Carl Jung described as shadow work: examining and integrating the parts of ourselves we’d rather deny. Instead, Esmeralda becomes the object of Frollo’s projection. Though this isn’t based solely on her sexuality, he casts her as a temptress whose very presence is portrayed as corrupting. The focus is no longer on the experience of the individual who’s being triggered, but instead on controlling the outside source.

From our perspective here in the West, we can see how the fear of female sexuality or autonomy can contribute to systems of harm in which women are required to cover themselves, are silenced, or are severely restricted in public spaces.

This morning I saw an upsetting post where a page for feminists was attacking men. I understand it came from a place of pain. I get it. I have a lot of trauma surrounding men. I’m afraid to smile at or even be friendly towards a man in fear that he might misinterpret it. As I, and many women have painfully learned, there can be serious repercussions to such a simple misunderstanding. And, there can be for men too. That’s the part of the story that often gets left out. Women, too, can be manipulative and abusive. The forms of harm differ, but suffering isn’t a competition. Women are less likely to cause physical harm, however psychological, emotional, and social harm can also leave lasting damage. Being on the receiving end of these behaviours, too, can end a life, no matter your gender.

Politically, I’ve always been on the left. In the last several years, however, l’ve watched both sides move into uncomfortable extremes. I still lean towards the left but if I just changed the gender that’s being targeted then what I’m reading is still sexism. If I just changed the race that’s being targeted, then what I’m hearing is still racism. If I just changed the group that’s being targeted, then what’s being shared would still be considered hate speech.

When we’re in a place of pain, suffering, or anguish, we as people often feel justified to hurt the person or people we felt hurt by (myself included). I talk about this a lot within individual relationships, however it also impacts humanity on a global scale. This is one way people can become the very monsters we set out to fight (and we’re often unaware that we’ve become monsters because our pain and hurt make us feel justified in our choices and actions of retribution).

This video is a telling example. Here in the West we can see what happens when a trigger like this goes internally unmanaged, moving instead into external control. Esmeralda—because she’s Romani and is viewed as both an outsider and a sensual woman—is dehumanized. She’s no longer seen as a person. Yet we struggle to see the ways that our society is currently doing this—where we (out of compassion) sometimes end up accommodating the wound instead of also encouraging the healing. An example of this is in censorship. Naturally, we want people to feel safe so we try to control the language, or not allow certain literature within our schools or libraries. This comes from a place of care and compassion yet it can unintentionally end up creating an environment where having any belief or viewpoint that differs from the mainstream narrative can feel dangerous.

And I know, there is so much pain and polarization going on in our world right now. There’s war, famine, illness, and so much more… And people do get victimized. I was. Things happened to me at a young age that shouldn’t have happened. It wasn’t okay.

I know I can’t change the world. I can’t make people self-aware. I can’t do another person’s inner work for them. But what I can do is keep using the voice I have, no matter how small and insignificant it often feels, and speak up to the patterns I see and the harm I see emerging from them.

None of us can change the world on a global scale but we can look at ourselves—at our pains, at our patterns—at how we as individuals deal with our emotions such as anger, disappointment, envy, jealousy, insecurity, lust, or boredom.

What are MY coping strategies?

What’s the first thing I do when I feel stressed out?

Do I reach for a drink, a drug, a smoke, my phone, shopping, porn, a video game, sex, exercise, food, work, gossip?

What happens if I don’t do that? If I stop and sit with what’s actually coming up?

This is how we change the world—not with our anger, but with our response to it. All of our feelings are welcome, and we’re still responsible for how we act on them.

This is why I believe that the future leaders of our planet are within today’s recovery communities, as I see how rampant addiction is in our society (far beyond drug and alcohol use). Many of us adults are still carrying our childhood survival strategies. We’ve never been taught how to feel, regulate, and communicate our emotional experiences, let alone how to navigate conflict without moving into blame, avoidance, or retaliation.

So many women call on men to say something when they see other men acting or speaking in misogynistic ways—I feel that we as women need to do the same with misandry; that it’s our job to make this world a safer place, not only for our daughters but also for our sons, and for all of our children.

For me, I know one of the things I’m continuously working on is my delivery. I tend to be quite blunt (I live up to my last name) and that can feel sharp and off-putting. Learning to soften my language is a skill I’m continuing to work on as I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to see anyone else be hurt, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore either.

What behaviours have you identified in yourself that are no longer serving you?

Please don’t feel the need to comment your answer publicly. It’s simply an invitation to reflect.

Much love to all who need it.

Huge Hugs 🫂

~Amy