Healing Sexual Trauma in Male Dominated Spaces

I just had a phenomenal workout at the new downtown YMCA location. I mustered up the courage to inquire about some of their machines as I noticed not every machine I used to work out on is still there. They explained that it’s a smaller space so not every machine and piece of equipment was able to be included in the new facility. They provided me with a personal trainer instead, to take me around and show me different machines/workouts that could provide the same benefit.

It was awesome! I don’t know how to use most of the equipment. Although I have done some group classes over the years, one-on-one personal training isn’t generally within my budget. I often try to learn by watching others. That’s why the QR codes on the new machines really help, as they lead to a short video showing me how the machines work. What was particularly cool about the experience, however, was discovering how strong I was. My father always tells me I’m stronger than I realize and he was right! I’ve been weightlifting for almost three years now. I’d seen other people working out on some of the equipment/machines the trainer showed me but I’d never done so. They looked too intimidating and I never thought I was strong enough (my upper half tends to be weaker than my lower). What made the experience even cooler, however, was that it was a male personal trainer and I actually felt comfortable working with him.

I was at an AA meeting last night that I’d never been to before. It was almost all men (there was only one other female present). When I first started weightlifting three years ago, it was really hard to be around so many men at the gym. I have a lot of trauma. Last year I went to an AA meeting that happened to only have men present. It was very scary for me. It took me a while to muster up the courage to return to that particular meeting again. After the meeting last night, several of the men came up to me afterwards to shake my hand and thank me for sharing. A few commented on my courage, especially considering the room was mostly men. I didn’t feel scared last night, however.

This experience at the gym today and my experience at the meeting last night show me how far I’ve come in my trauma recovery. I know I still have a ways to go, and it’s moving to see—to find myself in spaces that are predominantly male or even just working one-on-one with a man and actually feel safe. It’s… well, I’m sobbing as I write this as I know I still have a ways to go and it’s moving to see my progress.