An Ask….
I’m feeling tired and a bit blasé this evening. I was telling my sister, Abbey, about someone I know who’s currently experiencing psychosis. This person thought I’d heard a bunch of rumours about them and that I already knew what was happening to them, when I hadn’t and I didn’t.
Believing everyone is talking about you is a big sign of psychosis. A friend told me years ago “Amy, don’t be so f*cking conceited, people don’t care about you that much.” It hit home. I mean, yes, in a social circle people might gossip, but thinking everyone in the city or beyond knows of you/is talking about you, leans into the psychosis territory of paranoia and/or delusions of grandeur. I will mention that with this person there were a ton of other signs too.
Abbey told me I said things to her, similar to what this person said to me, when I was in psychosis (2019 to 2021). She said I was posting stuff on Facebook that caused people who are mutual friends to be concerned about me and contact her.
I know I was posting on Facebook during that time and the Blogs I made are still up here on my website. I left them up as although it’s shameful and embarrassing, I felt it could be important for someone else who might be experiencing a similar thing to be able to read them, as well as the Blogs that follow.
It’s hard to hear someone else’s view of the psychosis I experienced. My recollection of that time was from the inside looking out so to those of you who’ve been following me long enough, particularly in 2020, were my Blogs concerning? Did you reach out and tell me that? Prior to when I was actually hospitalized in December of 2020, I only recall one person reaching out to me saying they were concerned, but I don’t have a great memory and my memories of that time are particularly warped from the delusions I was living in.
I guess my ask is that if you’ve been following me long enough or know me in real life, if I share something that causes you concern about my mental health, please reach out and tell me that. I’ve been off antipsychotics for 8 months now with no psychosis (choosing a clean and sober lifestyle supports that as thus far all my psychotic breaks have been drug induced). I have one remaining psych med, a mood stabilizer, scheduled to be removed in July. I generally know if I’m depressed or anxious, but some aspects of mania are harder for me to be self aware of as I may feel great and on top of the world (who wouldn’t want that? 🤪😒), and psychosis is pretty much defined by not being able to distinguish what’s real from what’s imagined.
So if you’re willing, I’m asking you to please tell me if my Blogs or real life behaviour is *consistently or frequently* causing you concern. Thank you friends, family and members of the amazing community that has grown around me since starting my art and advocacy business.
Much love. 🫂😘
~Amy