I cry almost daily. I’m not depressed, however. I have motivation and drive. I smile far more than I cry. I have hope. I am loved. I am grateful to be here.
I had a wonderful workout at the gym this morning (finally!!) The orientation was good. I was the only one who showed up, so it was one on one which was nice. After half an hour of learning machines with the trainer, I did a 1.5 hour workout which felt amazing 🤩 then I walked home listening to ‘Return to Oz’ by Karliene a few times on repeat. 🎶 It’s a haunting melody that encapsulates my last few years into one song, although you may have to know the 1985 ‘Return to Oz’ movie to fully understand its lyrics.
I cry a lot because I’m grieving. I’m not sad though per se, it’s just every once in a while this wave of shock hits me when I realize I am where I am, and that there’s been such a long period of consistency with that. It’s been day after day of making choices that align with building a healthier life - and I’m doing it. I’m processing the grief of a lifetime of drugs - illegal, legal, and prescribed. I’m feeling the trauma and pain that I’ve spent most of my life trying to numb and escape from.
I can’t believe that I’m here and that I’m doing okay. That I’m present and grounded. I can listen or I can talk. I can focus or I can daydream. I clean my house. I cook my meals. I take care of my feathered love. I walk in rain or shine (ohh, how I love walking 💕). I have a great relationship with both my parents to which I’m truly grateful.
I do cry for the world too of course. There is so much pain. I feel to be blind to this would rob me of my humanity. However, I can also see that for all the pain, there is much light, love, and hope in this world too.
As I process the transformation the last few years have bestowed upon me - from a psychotic haven, to a reality of pure hell, until now: present, grounded, and free - I see this quote as I scroll my newsfeed:
I don’t agree with everything I’ve posted in the past. I don’t agree with all I’ve written before. I don’t agree with every art piece I’ve ever made. I’m not the same person I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 3 years ago or even last week. I can’t say that in a year or more I’ll still stand by what I’m writing right now. I’m forever learning. Forever growing. Forever changing. …as I should be. 🌱
There are some things I think I do well. There are characteristics I’ve developed that I admire within myself. My past self got me here. She fought tooth and nail to be here today. She didn’t always do that the best way though. It’s no secret that I’ve made some bad choices in this life. That I haven’t always done the right thing. I haven’t always acted in a way that reflects my values instead of my pain.
I know this and even though I know this, I also know that I’m still going to mess up sometimes because I’m human. We all are. We’re all interacting with each other through filters of our upbringing, our values, our cultures, our faiths, our hopes, dreams, and yes, our pains.
I was reminded yesterday that we’re all just walking each other home. We don’t have to agree to get along. We’re in this life together, whether we want to be or not.
I ponder existence so much, seeing I’ve lived in worlds and visited realms few will ever see. I’m not sure if life has some ultimate meaning or if the meaning of life is whatever I decide it to be.
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This writing piece was inspired by the meme I added within it (creator/author/artist of meme unknown).