As Saba and I did pet time this evening I told her I would write something about how my fingers felt as they caressed the soft feathers along her neck and head. How my heartbeat calmed as I gently moved my fingertips through their thickness to be able to reach her flesh. There, I massaged her muscles with tenderness in a circular motion; feeling her jawline, the warmth of her skinny neck, then scritching my finger back and forth along her brow and just above her cere.
When we cuddle, I make myself slow down. I deep breathe. I stay in the moment with her. I kind of have to as if I make one wrong move, she’ll let me know with the jolt of her head and the snap of her razor sharp beak. In those moments when we cuddle however, the world stands still. It’s just her and I. In those moments, I am not afraid, I am at peace. I can feel her and she feels me.
Tonight I chose to sing to her, despite the heartache. She let me cry as I pet her until my tears turned into songs. I sung Dreams to Dream, Barges, I am the Light, and a couple I made up for her. After dinner and bedtime, when she was back upstairs, she chatted away and then gifted me in return with the most uplifting melody.
When people visit my place, they often say it feels good in here. I am staying on top of cleaning but Saba and I have also healed these walls. The light of our bond is infused in this house’s foundation and bones. I need her and she needs me. She’s such a little character too. She has a sense of humour and her own thoughts on things. She is shy but can also be silly. Love. She is love. I feel the best parts of me shine in her. She seems like a happy bird.
My life revolves around her, I plan my days to ensure we get time together. She is my priority. It’s good we have mom and dad around too. Mind you, she doesn’t seem any less happy when they go away for a couple of weeks. When they come back, mom says Saba seems indifferent, but if I go away, mom says Saba seems sad. That’s why I take care of myself and our home. She needs me to be well and I want her to be well too. She’ll be turning 29 soon.
The other night over tea, I showed mom and Saba the raw video I made of me expressing both gratitude and grief, while asking for prayers for someone (please keep that person in your prayers). Saba sat on my knee as we watched, while mom cuddled up to me on the couch and held my hand within hers. In my past relationships I have always felt isolated and alone, where in single life there’s an abundance of friends, love and support. I have built that though. I have worked to be where I am, to foster the connections I have, and although I want to build a healthy romance, I need an equal for that. I can do all the work I need to do on myself but they need to have also done that work on themselves. I can’t go into something wanting to change someone, but I can choose who I get involved with. If we share the same values and both work on ourselves, then and only then can we truly work on building an us.
I aim to be the kind of person I would want to date, but I’m not there yet. It was always my intention to get through fall, winter and spring without psych meds before attempting to date again. There is much to do as the darkness descends upon this hemisphere. I have worked on building and maintaining my foundation, on tackling my addictions and the trauma that has driven them, on caring for myself and my home, and now I am metaphorically building a garden. There is much in the works when it comes to my art and advocacy business. I am excited about what’s on the horizon. I look forward to sharing the fruits of my labour with you. The seeds are planted and growing, now I must nurture and tend to them so the garden will bloom when spring arrives.
Art as Therapy (2022) by Amy Frank. This is a fave piece of mine.