The Painful Truth Of Healing

Meme Creator/Artist Unknown

When you sober up you have to stop hanging out with your drinking buddies.

This is not because you’re better than them.

The longer you remain sober while they continue to use, the further apart you’ll grow as the things that once connected you don’t anymore.

I saw a great quote recently that said:

“Don’t hate those who feel envious of you. They think you’re better than them.”

~Unknown

In that place of insecurity we sometimes project that someone thinks they’re better than us. Doing this may feel safer than engaging in the often painful work of introspection. It can be easier to say:

“You make me feel this way!”

Than it is to say:

“I feel this way and you remind me of that.”

Personal accountability means taking responsibility of our own emotions, actions, and role in things. Personal accountability can be painful—humbling. Personal accountability is not blame, however; it’s a ticket to freedom. The only person we can change in life is ourselves. Owning what roles we’re playing in our own downfall and suffering often leads to shame, but personal accountability is how we take that shame and transform it into a building block so we never repeat that same pattern or action again.

On my journey I’ve learned that my relationships with other people are amongst the most stressful and rewarding parts of my life. They can break or make me. As I grow, the connections I was attracted to while in active addiction and emotional turmoil don’t always resonate with where I am now, especially if the other person or people are still in that place.

This does not mean that I am better than anyone else.

For many years my advocacy has focused on personal empowerment through taking accountability of what roles I’ve played in my own downfall and suffering. I am not a therapist or a doctor, I write and share from my own lived experience.

I’ve noticed these days that hospitals and a lot of professional establishments have signs up about how verbal abuse will not be tolerated. I can have compassion and understanding for where another person’s behaviour may stem from (ie. addiction or mental illness) and still say “No, I’m not okay with being treated this way.”

This does not make me two-faced.

This does not make me a bad Mental Health Advocate.

This does not equate to victim-blaming.

This is not discrimination against those experiencing mental health and/or addiction issues.

It doesn’t matter if it’s in dating, friendship, family, or a work relationship; we all have a right to walk away from anyone at anytime who engages in harmful behaviours such as screaming, verbal abuse, condescendence, mockery, emotional stonewalling, gossip, or passive aggression (to name a few)—even if we understand where that behaviour may stem from (ie. pain, lack of self awareness, trauma etc).

When somebody is not ready to look at their role in things, anyone who speaks up about feeling harmed by certain behaviours, holding that person accountable, will most likely be labeled as abusive.

In my 14 years of advocacy I’ve frequently brushed up against an ill-held belief that being a Mental Health Advocate means I need to tolerate being treated in harmful ways because I, out of everyone, should understand. I do understand. I’ve been there. And, I’ve worked hard to be where I am now—to take ownership of my poor coping strategies and harmful behaviours; to be forever seeking emotional, spiritual, and psychological growth. I know there are times where I muck up—there are lots of things I look back on and I know I could have done better, there are times people call me out and they’re right—I’m in the wrong; and there are other times where the issue on hand is not mine to own, it’s a projection being cast upon me. Learning discernment in these matters is not easy so thankfully I have supports like my therapist and psychiatrist to guide me.

This has been a big few years for me in learning how to speak up when I feel hurt in a relationship. In the past I dealt with conflict by fawning and avoiding (which would lead to silent resentments building up and festering inside me). Those resentments would come out as behaviours like stonewalling and passive-aggression. Over time, I’ve learned how harmful these coping strategies have been to myself and my relationships. Realizing this led me to start changing them, which has been scary as these behaviours were adapted during my childhood as a means of survival. Not everyone is capable of engaging in the hard conversations that a part of every healthy close relationship. To some, feedback or criticism feels like a personal attack. When that happens, they often shift the blame—it’s not their behaviour that was the problem, it’s me for speaking up. As I embody more security and safety within myself, I find myself seeking relationships that mirror that back. This has led to me walking away from a lot of relationships (and gaining some haters for doing so). Sobriety, standards, and boundaries do not make me superior to anyone, however. The more I embody self-love and self-respect, choosing to set boundaries to protect that, the more animosity I encounter. To some, that self-love and inner resolve feels threatening. They try to “tear me down off my high horse”, label me as narcissistic, and spread any lie and rumour they can because it’s easier to say:

“You just think you’re so much better than everyone.”

Than it is to say:

“I feel insecure and unhappy within myself. I’m not where I want to be in life. Your confidence, talents, and successes remind me of that.”

It’s really easy for people to share catchphrases like:

“The only people who are hurt by your boundaries are those who merited from you not having any.”

In people-pleasing recovery, there’s truth to it, but the harder truth, as many empathic people know, is that we understand full-well where some of these harmful behaviours may stem from (which is often why we accepted them for as long as we did). We know the real person beneath the layers of pain, defensiveness, stonewalling, and/or emotional explosions. We love that person. We always will.

And, some boundaries do need to be walls. I hold my boundary.

~Amy Frank