Lessons Learned (past two years — Romance and Healing)

Facebook Memory (October 12, 2023):

“F*cking broken. Deceived. Used. Sobbing. But I’m still standing. Ain’t nothing gonna take me off this path of healing. I have worked so hard to be where I am. I’m not going back.

Here’s to the broken hearted.

To the one’s who continue to give love

even when they only receive pain in return.

I feel you.

I see you.

I am you.

Much love 🫂💔”

—

Sometimes the memories that come up on Facebook are painful while other times the lack of pain shows me how much I’ve healed. This (above) was the end of a 23 year friendship. The worst part about this experience was how badly I had deluded myself. After 23 years I saw the red flags flying crystal clear yet I still chose to override that and see his heart. At this point in time, I was newly off mood stabilizer medications—a goal I’d been working towards for years. I’d only been off them a couple weeks when this emotional storm started (it had been over a month by the time this post came out).

This was a tower moment. At the time I thought I’d lost my best friend but I know now that I actually didn’t. There was no respect, nor communication, there was just… pain. He was on a path of self-destruction and had been since we were teenagers. Had we kept it at friendship, it might have been different but over the years we tried and tried again at romance. I couldn’t stop him from destroying himself, all I could do was jump ship to save me.

Three powerful lessons emerged from this.

1. I learned that I could survive the betrayal—which to me was the worst betrayal a lover could do. I didn’t drink, drug, or rebound; I stayed on course.

2. I learned that I could trust my gut. I knew. I knew what he was doing and at the time I chose to consciously override that. I told myself I was crazy, that I had past trauma and wounds and therefore was making it all up. I’ve had two years of testing my gut instincts now—I know that I can trust me.

3. I learned self-respect. I learned that I can have compassion for someone else’s struggles and still not tolerate their behaviour. Although I forgive him because I do know his heart, to me, it was still game over. The friendship, the romance—everything. I do believe that every action is redeemable of course, if we know it was wrong and admit to that, and the people we’ve wronged can forgive us without welcoming us back into their lives. It’s a painful truth, I know.

—

I’m glad to say that last I heard he was doing well. My leaving broke him open. It was a tower moment for both of us. Posts like this remind me now of how much I’ve been through in the last few years alone and I’m still going—I’m still on course. ⛵️🙏💖