Feeling Our Way Through The Darkness

I felt moved by this post @amandagist shared last night on instagram. I could relate. It used to feel as if there were a pain inside of me that were so big, and so deep, that to turn and face it would mean instant death.

I could relate to how my childhood wounds began to feel like character defects instead of realizing that they weren’t—they were ways I learned to cope and survive during my developmental years that are no longer serving me in adult life.

I still feel broken sometimes. When a flashback hits and I’m violently yanked back into an experience of so much pain and helplessness…. I…. I can’t help but feel utterly ashamed and broken. But those things were not my fault; they were out of my control—I couldn’t have changed any of them.

If people knew the storms I’ve faced in the last few months alone, I think you’d understand what I mean when I say I’ve learned to surf through emotional hurricanes, tsunamis, rogue waves, and thunderstorms. I flashback, shattering into a million pieces, screaming in utter silence for people who cannot hear me (or do and don’t care), only to rise again. I can face these deep pains now because I know they won’t kill me—that trying to run from them will. Drugs will kill me. An over consumption of sugar will kill me. Suicide will kill me. The flashbacks—the pain, the shame, the feelings themselves—won’t.

I met a young man on the bus recently. It was evident he was having a pretty hard time in life. I’m fairly confident he approached me so as to make a move, ultimately, however, we ended up having a powerful conversation about addiction, homelessness, and mental illness. It was raw and deeply human. Heartfelt. I gave him a couple bookmarks. He asked me how I did it; how I got off the drugs. I told him that I had to face a lot of pain—a lot of trauma. That I couldn’t run from it anymore.

Healing doesn’t erase our full spectrum of human emotions; for me, it hasn’t even dulled them; but it does help us navigate them better. When I feel afraid now, I remind myself that everything I desire resides just on the other side of fear; that the way out is through. And, it’s okay to clench onto a stuffed animal if you need to. You’ve got this. 🫂 So much love to you all.

~Amy

Amy Frank, Artist

Screenshotted post by @amandagist (instagram)