I’ve always thought that I wanted to meet someone to grow old with. There’s been so much death in my life lately however that I’ve started to wonder if that’s really what I want. Do I want to be with someone until death do us part? Why risk that heartache? That loss… it seems easier to be alone when I’m already so comfortable with it. It seems easier to hold myself as I cry as that’s who will be holding me in the end anyway.
I’ve faced much pain in this life, but being clean and sober now and facing the losses I have, it hurts and I have to feel it. I can’t run. I can’t numb. And it hurts. It really hurts. A sense of faith does help. A belief that I’ll reunite with my loved ones one day and a feeling that in some way they’re with me right now.
I miss the psychosis when I could feel the deceased so clearly. Call it delusions or hallucinations… there was comfort in it. I talked to them for hours, the voices in my head, that sounded and looked just like my friends, family and lost pets. Magic was real. There are parts of me that can still feel all of it.
Continuing to believe in forces greater than myself makes the pain bearable. Believing there’s purpose and reason to my life makes the pain bearable. Trying to support others who are alive so they don’t have to feel alone in the pain like I have, makes the pain bearable.
The losses and my initial thoughts brought many tears tonight as I do desire romantic love. I’m not dating right now however. There’s too many other important things going on. I still very much have feelings for my recent ex, I have the med ween, a new job, and yes, I’m still processing the psychosis I exited in 2021. I mean I was in it for over two years. It was layered and complex. I’ve been to worlds few have visited and I can’t un-see that. I’m truly grateful I went through it, and I’m truly grateful I’m no longer in it. The experience has changed me.
I know now is the time I must nurture myself. I’m not ready for anything else. If I take care of me, then the rest will come. I do also very much enjoy the mystery and adventure of not knowing what’s on the horizon.
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