On Chivalry, Trauma, and Trust

Amy Frank
2 days ago
2 min read

As I was walking home tonight, I was pondering the concept of “old fashioned” romance, or chivalry. I, personally, am a fan. For me, it aligns with my ideal relationship.

In the past, I was codependent. I was a damsel in distress, meek and timid. I was a shell of a human being after years of trauma. When I left my fiancé in January of 2020 (my last long term serious relationship), I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what my interests were. I didn’t have any life skills. I was 34 years old. My whole life, to that point, I’d been looking towards men to save me. When I was in a relationship, my life revolved around my romantic partner, I didn’t have a life outside of him.

In my healing, I’ve flipped to the opposite extreme, I’ve become hyper-independent. I’ve learned that I have to depend on me—that I can’t depend on men (especially) for guidance or protection.

I’m a believer that we all embody both energies. To be a whole person, I think it’s important that I’m able to operate equally within both polarities. And, I wish I could soften and depend on a man in the ways I seek. I yearn to be able to sink deeper into my feminine energy. I acknowledge that trauma makes it challenging. If I don’t feel safe, I can’t soften.

I know I’m not the only woman who feels like this. So many women, like me, have become strong out of survival and necessity. In the concept of duality, these would be seen as masculine traits (and again, yes, we all embody both despite our gender or sex). Unfortunately, emotions are still very much seen as a weakness for men, which in my experience is what causes many to see as men dangerous. A man who can’t control his anger or lust, for example, isn’t a safe man to be around. And the only way that one can control their emotions is first by experiencing them. We can’t control what we don’t acknowledge. We can’t control what we can’t name or feel.

I’m grateful to be a strong empowered woman. I’m all for women’s rights and equality. And, I love dominant males. I’d happily submit to a man as to me that feels natural. Yet without safety, I can’t do so. If I don’t trust him—or if he doesn’t trust me—if I don’t have faith in his ability to guide and lead, then I can’t soften.

So to the men out there who may be single and dating:

Please, get in touch with your emotions. Go to therapy. Join support groups. Lean on your brothers.

Being emotionally regulated—which is not the same as stoicism—is a mark of safety for myself and so many other females.

So much love to the men in our society. You haven’t had it easy, I know that. 🫂

~Amy