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The Heart Knows

I liked this quote overall. Contrary to what it says however, I think it’s important to question what we feel as sometimes feelings come from a much deeper wound within us. Sometimes, we project those wounds onto others. Self awareness is key with recognizing that. It’s important to remember that the people whom trigger us may not have caused our core wounds — they reminded us they were there.

It is good to trust one’s intuition, so I read into the quote as meaning that, versus trusting feelings (which are no more factual than thoughts). The hard part is knowing what feelings come from the gut and which are tied to the psyche or past pains.

This year I had two separate, rather short lived, romantic relationships. With both, an inner battle raged inside me: ‘Is it an attachment style making me want to run, or is my whole being screaming at me that this isn’t a good fit because it actually isn’t?’

Sometimes we already know something isn’t right but the mind overpowers that. Maybe it’s loneliness, the desire to be touched and held, someone to chit chat with everyday, or whatever it may be. It keeps us engaged even though we already sense this may not be a relationship we actually want to be in (as always, it doesn’t have to be romantic, it could be any relationship).

I use visual art and writing as tools to express and process my thoughts and feelings. I walk a fine line between sharing authentically, as others may relate to the things I go through; while at the same time, I want to respect privacy. It means that all you following along only get snippets of my life without knowing the full details. I’ve got friends for venting the details to. I’ve got professionals to help guide me through the depths of what I’m thinking and feeling. I am fortunate to have my mom and dad to bounce things off of as well, both of whom are inspirational in the work they’ve done on themselves and their relationship in the last year especially.

That being said, it’s been an emotional week. I’m not sure if that shows in my social media posts. I felt very angry when a boundary wasn’t respected, but I’m grateful for that now. I realize I didn’t post about it. I let some time pass, to allow myself to move through the anger and back into a space of calm, then I chose to use it as an opportunity for closure. I had actually been worried that I wouldn’t be able to get back into dating when I’m ready to, as I would have had to face this eventually. But now, I can feel what I need to feel and by doing so, I can heal, let go, and move on with my life. I can start the new year as a fresh page in a blank 366 day book (it’s a leap year folks!)

Gosh, I can’t believe I’m going through all this emotion without psych meds. I feel more grounded, stable, and emotionally mature than I’ve ever felt. I’m doing the work for that though, and part of that includes choosing not to engage in unhealthy coping strategies. In the past, although I used my addictions in an attempt to numb and escape, they actually ended up blowing my emotions sky high, robbing me of any ability I may have had to self soothe or regulate.

I don’t know how all you are feeling but I can’t wait for 2024. I already have four huge art events scheduled within the first five months, three of which involve public speaking engagements. People are following up with me. They want updates on how I’m doing since my last line of talks in 2019.

Alas, this moment is all I truly have so I’ll be where I am right now. I’m a good tired from an awesome workout this morning, a little hungry, and currently I’m sitting on my couch, wrapped up in mellow music and a blanket. Pretty’s having a bath nearby, chucking water everywhere (in case you’ve never seen a bird bathe), and laundry is on the go. I guess it’s time to make dinner.


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