There's this narrative I hear in our society that once a woman is over 30, she's no longer attractive or desirable to men. Although I understand the biological reasoning some use to back this up, like a woman's childbearing capabilities, I just want to remind all of us women out there that everyone has different views on what they find attractive.
I see women who pretend to be 29 forever. I see how hard aging can be on them - especially when one decides to fight it. The endless commitment to Botox, plastic surgeries, expensive creams and dyes. Some get lost battling this unwinnable fight against time.
Looking back, I was probably my 'best looking' when I was 17 and then again when I was 25/26. I didn't see it though. I didn't feel it. I didn't exude it or embody it. I had no confidence, no self worth, no self respect, and certainly no self love. I was a prisoner of my pain and the ways I tried to cope: my addictions. I felt like a shell of a human being. Looking back at old photos, my face and body may have been deemed beautiful by some but there was no light in my eyes.
I decided many years ago that I would not fight aging. I'm letting my grey hairs shine. I invest in skin care and health as I value taking care of myself, but I won't go further than that. I've lost so many friends due to mental health and addiction that I now see aging as a great gift which they have tragically been denied. I will not waste this gift. The greatest honour I can bestow upon those whom are no longer with me, is to live the best life I possibly can because they can't. I believe that they'd want that for me, and for all of those left here on earth that they loved.
I have more confidence and feel more beautiful at 37 than I've ever felt. I see the fine lines around my eyes, the wrinkles forming on my forehead. I see my grey hairs peeking out through the warm browns. I've got cellulite and faded stretch marks (I always have) and my skin is slowly losing its elasticity. If this is ugly and undesirable by our society - then yes, I am ugly and undesirable, but I've never felt more beautiful and in love with myself for that.
My New Year's resolution is to continue on this path of self discovery and healing. To prioritize my health, my cultivation of inner peace, and to keep the light of love burning bright within me. May my flame kindle your own. May the darkness around us unveil the beauty of our eternal glistening souls.
I am not religious but having a sense of faith helps me. It doesn't matter if what I believe is true or not. Right now, in this life, believing in a deeper meaning to my worldly experience makes the dark days a lot more bearable.