Why I Left My Job in Healthcare

A few days ago I shared a meme on both of my social media platforms. It included a photo of my outstretched arm, displaying long-since healed over self harm scars. The photo was accompanied by a quote:

“Never be ashamed of a scar. It means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.”

~Unknown

A person I’ve had tension with in the past reached out privately after I made this post telling me it had triggered them. They asked me to please consider posting a trigger warning with it. I deeply pondered their request. A while later, I replied to them:

“I’m sorry my post brought up such painful memories for you. I know very little of what life was like for you and [an undisclosed person], yet I know enough to know that it was deeply painful.

My self-harm scars are a part of my journey. I don’t often post photographs of them yet they do appear in some of my art (I included an image of my 2019’s art piece “Shhh…”). For me, they’ve become a symbol of resilience—an acceptance of where I was and a reminder that I will do everything in my power to ensure I never go back. They are a very real part of my body. I wear short sleeves and tank tops; I wear swimsuits despite the scars down my quads. They have all long since healed over—nothing is fresh. I don’t brandish warning labels to exist as I am.

I understand this post was triggering for you; that it brought up a lot. I urge you to please seek out counselling to work through what’s been brought up. If being connected with me again is triggering overall, then I support you in stepping back. I wish you only love and good things in life, [name of person]. 🫂❤️”

They proceeded to tell me they’ve been successful in counselling. In the following line they chose to write, I felt as if they challenged my integrity as a mental health advocate. They followed that line with wishes of love (that didn’t feel authentic in that moment), and then they blocked me on both of my social media platforms.

This is a far too common experience I have when setting boundaries. To this person, my response may have felt disrespectful because I wouldn’t tend to their wound. Instead, I encouraged them to seek help in healing it. To me, their request re-enforced the notion that there’s something wrong and shameful about having self harm scars—that they need to be hidden. Would I be approached in this same way if the scars were from a c-section or heart surgery? Those, too, could ignite a trauma response in somebody.

THE CRISIS ON HAND

We are in a crisis here in British Columbia (BC), Canada. For a long time our society pushed tough love. We know now that people can’t just “pull up their bootstraps”. Tough love doesn’t work. However, we’ve now swung too far in the opposite direction: We’ve become too soft. In our attempt to create safe spaces, we’ve stopped people from facing the discomforts that are a part of growth and healing.

In the past two years that I’ve worked in healthcare I lost all respect for how the medical system was dealing with the crisis on hand. I saw my workplace take this same stance. They focused on creating environments that didn’t trigger people instead of teaching their staff and clients how to disarm, defuse, and work through their own triggers and activations.

In 2020, after a brutal (and thankfully final) slip in my alcoholism, when I was back in recovery, I reached out to an online support group. I made a post asking them how I could get Facebook to stop advertising alcohol to me. Although some people replied explaining step by step how I could go about changing my settings, the better answer, that I didn’t want to hear, was that although I could change my ad settings, ultimately I needed to learn how to live in world that was going to advertise alcohol to me.

This answer made me furious.

“F*** you!!!!” I thought. “I’m the victim here! The world needs to change to make me comfortable!!! 😡”

This—This is a trauma response, and it’s a far too common reaction to painful truths and needed boundaries. As I heal and I learn to stop people pleasing; to not accept harmful behaviours just because I have compassion for where those behaviours may be stemming from, the more I witness how many people in emotional pain easily embody abusive behaviours. It isn’t intentional of course. This person who recently blocked me wasn’t trying to be cruel; they were activated. They couldn’t handle what was coming up inside of themselves when they saw my post. Instead of seeing that as their call to heal; they saw it as my responsibility to make them comfortable. When I wouldn’t, I wasn’t just unfollowed; I was blocked with a final message that felt like it was meant to be a stab.

There are times I do post trigger warnings, although it’s rare. There are far more emotional activations one can’t anticipate than those we can. Of course there are certain topics one can assume may be triggering or activating, especially if they do a deep dive into details; however we as people are going to accidentally brush up against other people’s unhealed wounds just by existing.

There are times in life when I’m wrong and I need to change my own behaviour (many, actually, which I’m sure is not surprising to anybody) while there are other times that I stand by my choices and actions. Over the past several years I’ve worked hard at learning how to make these distinctions and discernments. For me, it comes down to self awareness and values. How am I feeling in my body right now? Am I activated? “How old am I” is a favourite question as sometimes an activation will revert me mentally and emotionally to a much younger age. In the last few years, without drugs, alcohol, or psychiatric medications in my system, I’ve become better attuned to my own body and senses. I can recognize when I’m activated so as to calm myself before returning to a conversation. I overthink everything as well, I always have. I ponder and question my own thoughts. I challenge myself regularly as it’s a part of my values; I believe in leading by example and being the change I wish to see. I walk my own talk which means I hold myself accountable when I do mess up. When I reply to someone, I aim to do so in a way that aligns with my values. There are times I’m at fault of course and when I am I apologize and work to remedy what I did, and there are other times I’m not; where I can clearly see that somebody else is projecting their pain onto me.

I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially those I care about, and I no longer want to hurt myself either which means these past few years have been a huge learning curve in how to set and hold boundaries. It’s okay to say “no”. It’s okay to disappoint others so as to honour myself. It isn’t selfish unless all I did was fill my own bucket and never gave back.

When I can see that someone is activated while I’m speaking in a way that I feel is aligned with my values; I validate their experience and I may choose at that time to set a boundary. When I set boundaries, I try to be as kind and compassionate as possible while still aiming for clarity. Clarity can feel sharp—it can feel crisp. Being too soft however, risks being misunderstood. By the time I get cutthroat with somebody, I’ve often tried a much softer approach, usually a few times, that hasn’t been respected. It’s quite common that people push back against my boundaries. Many seem to have a hard time hearing the word “No”. Rejection can feel deeply personal, even if I work hard to let someone know it’s not.

PAINFUL TRUTHS OVER COMFORTING LIES

We can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves and then we absolutely can choose, for the most part, who we spend our time with. This notion in mental health care that it’s our responsibility to not trigger others I see as misguided and harmful. Our wounds are not our fault, and our healing is still our responsibility. We need to teach people how to navigate their triggers and activations; not support the creation of emotional minefields that lead us all to tiptoeing.

Validation is incredibly important in that; people cannot begin to move through their trauma and pain if they don’t first feel believed and supported in their experiences. And accountability is equally important as if all we do is validate, we risk enabling harmful behaviours.

When a person is activated, for example, they may think it’s okay to take a jab at someone else, or they may lash out at themselves. They may feel justified to spread harmful gossip or to even go so far as to seek horrific retribution and vengeance. The person (or people) they felt triggered by weren’t necessarily the problem, though they might have been; often the problem was in something that was said or done that reminded the person who’s been activated of a pain they didn’t want to be reminded of.

The most common example of trauma that we speak about societally is veterans. To my understanding, PTSD is by far the most extreme on the spectrum. For me, there is a difference between a trauma trigger flashback and an emotional activation. Both are rooted in trauma but a flashback is debilitating. For me, a flashback (though I’m not a veteran) is like being violently ripped from the present moment back into an experience of horror and helplessness. Emotional activations, on the other hand, aren’t easy nor comfortable, yet they are different than that for me. I can feel angry, jealous, sad—or any array of strong emotions, yet most around me won’t necessarily know these days that I’ve been activated unless I display an external reaction. In the past, before I’d done the work to be where I am now, I was chaotic—screaming on street corners and frequently lashing out at myself.

A psychologist once told me that as a doctor in the field of mental health care they need to give veterans the skills needed to manage their triggers. It’s not realistic to expect that a car will never backfire, that people won’t set off fireworks/firecrackers, that nobody will ever again connect a bat to a ball while out playing in a field; or that we as a society have any sort of control over thunderstorms.

This “don’t trigger people” approach to mental health care has been an ongoing disagreement I’ve had while working in the field for the last two years. One of my coworkers in particular I felt was often and easily activated—far more frequently than I witnessed any client being.

I’ve dedicated the last few years of my life to studying what healthy relationships consist of as I’m a lover at heart. I look forward to building a healthy romantic relationship one day. As I’ve embarked on this journey I’ve discovered that attachment styles don’t only impact our romantic relationships, they impact all of our close connections.

Loneliness is a major issue in our society right now. We’re more connected than ever via smart phones and the internet; yet we’re simultaneously more disconnected than ever from both ourselves and others. As a mental health advocate with 14 years of experience offering mental health peer support (before a provincial training course existed), I’ve met so many people who are struggling to form friendships, let alone healthy romances. This particular coworker had several back to back romances in the short time I knew them. Not once did I hear them take accountability for their role in the downfall of any of those relationships. Instead, I witnessed them place the blame on their exes. As a single woman in the dating community I’ve learned that this is a red flag, no matter someone’s gender. As I previously shared about attachment styles impacting all of our close relationships (not only romance), red flags do as well. I’ve done enough therapy to recognize this pattern reflects a lack of insight and accountability for one’s own role in conflict. That said, I don’t believe it defines who they are as a person—it’s a behaviour, not an identity.

A WAKE-UP CALL

I wish I could say that it’s only in the mental health community where these issues are arising, but unfortunately, it’s everywhere. We’ve become a society of functioning addicts (with addiction stemming far beyond drugs and alcohol). Emotional regulation isn’t widely taught. Very few have been raised in environments where it was modelled. Most, regardless of their level of education or profession, haven’t developed the skills to identify, self-soothe, and regulate their own emotions, let alone how to engage and practice repair when conflict arises in relationships. Societally, we’ve rewarded the emotionally unavailable and avoidant, amongst the workaholic. Meanwhile, our medical system is being held up by compassionate people who will betray their own needs to take care of their patients, particularly nurses.

Since exiting my last psychosis, I’ve learned that a major marker of health in our society is whether or not one can function in Capitalism. It doesn’t matter how many medications one has to take each day, or how those medications may affect ones mental, emotional, and/or physical wellbeing in the long run, so long as they can keep showing up at school and/or work, and keep partaking in their relationships. Our society doesn’t work towards cures or root causes; they prioritize symptom management: Get us functioning. Teaching us to function within dysfunction has become so widespread that many have accepted it as normal “This is just the way it is.” Accountability, boundaries, feedback, and criticism feel like a personal attack to many. When people are activated, they may act in ways that feel abusive or harmful to others like screaming, belittling, mocking, ghosting, stonewalling, deflecting blame, threatening, gossiping, attempting to dominate control, minimizing someone else’s experience, and lashing out—as a few examples. It often isn’t intentional. It’s an automatic reaction that many have learned during their developmental years. At one point these behaviours may have helped one feel heard, get their needs met, and survive. As adults however, they can do harm in our lives.

So many in our society are easily activated in these ways, and no, it’s not only those within the mental health community. In my experience, people in the mental health and addiction recovery communities tend to have a lot more self awareness and skills than those who aren’t as they’ve often had to do (at least some) work so as to function in this world.

It’s very hard when someone is activated for them to see how cruel they may be acting while in that state. Societally, we’ve leaned towards coddling these types of behaviours or we go the extreme opposite way: Institutionalization and incarceration, as these activations absolutely can become criminal.

For many, personal accountability feels like blame—more fuel to an already overflowing pile of inner self-hate; or it’s deflected. Some people are in such a deep state of ache that they’re unable to look at how their actions may be harming their own lives or the lives of those they care about as these things are not their fault; they’re somebody else’s. Personal accountability is not blame however, it’s our ticket to freedom. It’s a powerful foundational building block in change. So many want to feel better. They seek help; they seek friendships and connections. Yet so many also can’t see how their unhealed wounds are impacting their relationships. Many of us just want to be loved for who we are—and, nobody has to tolerate being mistreated just because they have compassion for where somebody else’s behaviours may be stemming from.

Ending cycles of harm often requires taking accountability for what roles we’ve played in the continuation of those cycles (be it personally or societally). It requires taking a long, hard, painful look at our own lives; where we’re at now, how we grew up, the nitty gritty details within these repeated patterns, as well as how we’d actually like our lives to be. This is the deep, painful, and often lonely dive into the darkness where we uncover the wounds that keep us trapped in addiction; wounds that may also keep many of us repeating these same harmful cycles and patterns within our relationships. Personal accountability is how we end it. We can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves, and then we absolutely can advocate for systematic change as well.

WHY DID I LEAVE?

I challenged the paradigm. From the valuable lessons I’ve learned on my own healing journey, I encouraged my (then) workplace to please teach both their staff and clients how to self soothe, regulate, and work through their own activations and triggers. I told them what I’ve shared again and again in my advocacy:

“Our relationships with other people are amongst the most stressful and rewarding parts of our lives.”

Instead, they followed what I assume is an evidence based approach that supports the notion that triggers are bad; that we as staff and as a society need to do all we can to never upset anyone. This approach may offer temporary comfort and reprieve, yet it’s not sustainable in the long run. Teaching emotional regulation and interpersonal skills is much better approach. These skills are learnable. They can be taken and used far beyond any institution’s walls. To only offer the former without the latter ends up creating more harm. We’re collectively witnessing that harm unfold before us right now: Broken families, irreparable conflicts, the rise of addiction, deeply dysfunctional and harmful relationships, on top of an ever-crumbling medical system.

I spoke on these issues with my higher ups with kindness and compassion. I didn’t villainize my coworker as it was clear to me that this coworker had unhealed wounds they were reacting from. It seemed to me like they hadn’t yet learned how to manage their emotional responses. Instead of finding support the few times I raised my concerns, I felt silenced.

Here in the West, our system is a hierarchy. To the clients, my recovery was inspiring. I was an example of how life could be. I had 12 years of lived experience offering peer support as a mental health advocate when I was hired for the position. Those were the skills that qualified me for the job. I’ve learned over the years that for me, I foster connection and trust by opening up first. When I share bits of myself, it creates a space where others feel safe to open up back. I often have to go first. I lead with integrity, authenticity, compassion, and an appropriate amount of vulnerability. One on one and group settings are different than what I may share on my blogs and social media. Unfortunately, the more I tried to do my job, the more activated some of my coworkers became, particularly this one.

I reached out for support from my higher ups three times. The first was early on; we were in a big staff changeover at that time so I ended up talking to my boss. I felt like one peer led program in particular was more dangerously censored than any of the others I’d been trained in. I could understand not allowing conversations around politics and religion, however this one program wouldn’t even allow the clients to discuss their mental health. I felt my boss was dismissive of experiences when I brought this up. They used an incredibly distinct line that has stuck with me to this day:

“Art & Advocacy Amy do not work here. You need to bring a different Amy to everything you do”.

Whether they intended to dismiss my experiences or not, it started a rift that would only deeper over the next two years. I began to feel as if my lived experience was not welcome at the organization.

Shortly after, I confessed to a coworker that I didn’t feel comfortable around my boss. This coworker would gradually be the one I’d experience many issues with. That’s when this coworker told me that the two of them were friends outside of work.

The next time I tried voicing my concerns was last autumn. At that time, I had new higher ups I approached about my experiences surrounding this coworker being activated by my recovery. I was told by my higher ups that I couldn’t talk about my recovery in any way or form with the clients. They, too, used a line I won’t forget. They told me that to talk about my recovery was self-serving. I challenged my higher ups on that, going to HR, where I was told they were wrong—that it was my job to inspire hope in recovery with the clients. Shortly after that meeting, the organization did a public feature on my story. Unfortunately, by then my trust was broken. Meanwhile, the issues I was experiencing with this one coworker continued to worsen.

WHY I STAYED AS LONG AS I DID

My relationships with the clients were powerful and therapeutic. I know my presence was deeply appreciated by many of them. My lived experience connected us. I wasn’t another mental health worker; I was peer support—one of them. I know I will be missed by many as I, too, also miss them.

Although I’m off of all psychiatric medication now, and I’m doing better than I’ve ever been, I don’t believe it’s ever my right to encourage anyone to follow suit in that. My stance is that if the medications are helping you—that’s great! That’s the whole point: That they help one feel better; gaining some sense of functionality and normalcy that wasn’t previously present.

After my hysterectomy, I took the full 6 weeks off to recover as I knew I needed to heal myself both physically and emotionally before I could re-enter my position in healthcare. Since last autumn, I’ve learned to work alongside this one coworker by fawning. It was evident the organization wasn’t going to support me in my experiences. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I tried to keep myself small but it didn’t matter how much I tried to censor myself because I couldn’t anticipate what would activate them. By the end of my time there I felt like my very existence was enough. I also struggled with some of the workplace gossip. I showed up at work for as long as I did because of the clients. In the end, I was there for them.

THE FINAL DAYS

When I returned to work after my surgery hiatus, I had a last straw moment with this coworker which led to me lodging what would become a third and final formal complaint. I followed that email up with another email where I also lodged a complaint against my higher ups, including the outside friendship this coworker had with my boss. I did that as I felt it was the lack of support I’d received over the last two years that led to things escalating. I was willing to work it out. I didn’t (and don’t) think that coworker is a bad person. In my final meeting however, my higher ups chose to invalidate my experiences. They told me I was only experiencing my coworker this way because I have a history of trauma. I know that isn’t true of course; that I’m not the only person who’s had these types of experiences with them.

I do have past trauma, there’s no denying that, and red flags are red flags especially when they’re repeated again and again over a lengthy period. Those red flags are not character traits however; they’re not who a person is. They’re learned behaviours that absolutely can be worked on and changed if and when a person is ready to do that.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

I’ve worked incredibly hard to be where I am in life. I’ve done so much alone, with little to no help from the medical system. I’ve had to find my own way.

I don’t learn in the ways schools teach, yet I’m not uneducated. I’ve learned how to identify, self-soothe, and regulate my own emotions mainly by watching reels from therapists; following psychology accounts, working with my own therapist and psychiatrist (who offers psychotherapy), journaling, doing the work of letting myself feel what I feel (no matter how big) while also not allowing my emotions to dictate my actions; by opening up about my experiences and letting my emotions flow freely into safe spaces; by finding my values and using them as a guiding compass; by overthinking everything; and most importantly by holding myself accountable. Through deep pain and humility, I’ve earned my own love and respect. I’ve proved to myself again and again that I can depend on me—rain, shine, or storm. If I could gift this experience to everyone who desired it, I would. I try to share bits of what I’ve learned here in my Blogs as well as on Facebook. I do think everyone’s path is different, yet there are still ultimate truths that we all share in life. One of those is that our health is our most valuable asset. I’m one of the healthiest people I know—physically, emotionally, and mentally. I quit my job in healthcare because I love and respect myself too much to stay in any kind of relationship where I’m treated in the ways I’ve felt treated there over the last two years.

***

I want to thank my online community for your continued love and support. You remind me daily of the value my lived experience brings into this world. This isn’t my job—it’s my life. There is only one Amy. What I share here is how I’ve learned to not only survive but actually begin to thrive despite all I’ve been through. I know that I’m deeply respected, loved, and appreciated by many—especially those within this community, as well as by some of the phenomenal clients and fellow staff I had the great honour to work alongside and meet over the last two years that I worked in healthcare.

To any clients who may be reading this: Thank you. Please do not let my issues with the organization stop you from accessing their services. I still owe them some money from card sales as I had a fundraiser on just for them. I haven’t tallied up those sales yet. Even though I feel hurt, I’m a woman of integrity who will honour that commitment. That fundraiser has of course now ended.

In the end, it was all for you—the clients. I kept coming back for as long as I did because of you. Thank you for that; for being a guiding light in my own life as I navigated the dark reality of working within a crumbling medical system.

That self-harm post has now accumulated over 100 positive reactions on Facebook, which for me, is a lot. ❤️

AN ASK:

I’m out of work and am looking for a job! If you are an individual, an organization, or you have a project that could utilize my skills in the visual arts, writing, and/or advocacy (the things I’ve learned to be where I am) then please contact me. I can’t do this alone. I need help.

I send out so much love to everyone who’s reading this including to that coworker (should they see it). I was willing to work things out with them had the organization not chosen to dismiss my experiences. I would have been happy to bridge the gap and work on making it feel like a safer workspace for both of us. I hold absolutely nothing against them. My issue was with the system, not with them; and certainly not with any of my higher ups nor other coworkers for who they are as people. I wish all of them nothing but good things in life.

I’m ready for a change. If you are too then let’s talk. Our medical system doesn’t believe the kind of recovery I’m achieving is even possible. Let’s work together on building healthier relationships, healthcare systems, and communities for this generation and all those that follow.

Please get in touch!

With Much Love & A Whole Lotta Hugs,

~Amy (and Saba)

⬇️

Just please don’t try to hug her—she bites!!