I had a great workout this morning, however I left feeling a little… awkward. A folly of mine is that I take things too literally. I don’t know why my brain is like that, but I tend to take things at face value. On an unrelated side note, it’s why I’m not a huge fan of sarcasm, which I often interpret as passive aggressive.
I had a conversation with the Universe a few years back, where I told it that I wanted to become a force to be reckoned with, for the good. I don’t want to be a fighter, I don't want to hurt anyone, yet I feel I need to know how to fight, how to defend, and how to protect. I’m going to be starting a new martial arts class in February as I’d like to continue cultivating emotional, mental, and physical discipline.
I’m aware that I have a fire burning deep within my core. This fire has the capacity to emit both a pleasant warmth or to wreak absolute havoc, flames searing through the metropolis. I’ve never been one to physically harm others, but I do have a history of harming myself. I also know that I’m able to weave words in ways that evoke emotion, which grants me the power to both comfort the heaviest of broken hearts or to stab with a force as deadly as knives. I actually think we all have this power.
I find when I workout it releases trauma and pent up emotion, especially doing cardio. Releasing it, however, means that I have to feel it as it moves its way out. My mind often screams at me when I’m on the elliptical. Memories. Pain. My Sh*t Mix of music helps me move as the melodies flow back and forth from hard rock, chill beats, to soothing songs and everything in between. I make sure to keep moving my body. I try to stay where I am, in the present moment. I’m still loving the intervals setting, as when the resistance hits 15, it takes strength to keep pushing my legs down into the pedals, yet it feels incredible. I’m getting stronger.
I’m enjoying meditating between weight lifting sets. Doing 12 reps of as much weight as I can lift and then sitting still with my hands on my thighs, palms facing towards the sky, quieting my mind, focusing on my breath — this contrast of heavy versus light induces sensations of soothing and peacefulness.
I truly feel the peace so many of us seek starts within. I’m a lover not a fighter, it just seems that to love in this world, I also need to know how to fight. I realize Jordan Peterson is controversial but I saw a reel recently of him talking about how if you’re not a formidable force, then there’s no morality in your self control. That you have to be capable of being dangerous to truly be disciplined, because if you’re not capable of violence, not being violent isn’t actually a virtue.
I am aware of my fire. I am aware of my strength. I am aware that words, visual art, and music hold power. I’m also aware that I need to hone my social skills as damn, I can be a little awkward to talk to.
I understand that Jordan Peterson is a controversial name. I don’t think that’s an original thought by him, often ideas get recirculated. That’s just where I heard it.
For those of you whom were automatically triggered just by reading his name, if I hadn’t included it, how would that same thought have been interpreted by you? You don’t have to tell me, just food for thought.