One of the harder lessons I’ve had to learn is that we can’t control the world around us or the people in our lives. When we try to control others in an attempt to feel more secure in ourselves (perhaps we believe that if they just did X, Y, Z, our lives would be so much better), we’re now engaging in harmful behaviors that can negatively impact others and ourselves.
It’s very easy for people who feel hurt to inadvertently hurt others. Humour can easily turn into mockery and bullying; pain can twist into threats, ultimatums, or attempts at control.
A most painful aspect of my healing journey has been in taking accountability for what roles I played in my own suffering. For example, I used to think all my exes were abusive. I never took accountability for what roles I played in my relationships; like how my pain, self hatred, addictions, and insecurities manifested as manipulation and control. It was unintentional of course, but the ways my exes were acting, that I saw as abusive, were too. Both they and I were acting out unhealthy behaviours we had learned in childhood as coping mechanisms. We were reliving our childhood wounds. No one had taught us how to feel, regulate, and effectively communicate our emotions. This doesn’t mean harmful behaviours are excusable. Healing has allowed me to see a bigger picture, including my own patterns and role in things. It’s also allowed me to learn what kind of behaviours I won’t accept in the future (from myself or others).
It’s been painful to acknowledge the roles I’ve played in my own downfall. To go from “woe is me”, to seeing that I, too, was acting in ways that weren’t okay. It hurt because it was humbling. Accountability is not blame, however. Blame is shame. Accountability hurts, but it isn’t a weapon. It’s the insufferable screaming sting as we work at cleaning the wound. Humility is power. Once I owned the behaviours and actions that were contributing to my own pain and suffering; to the unhealthy dynamics within my relationships (of all types); I got my power back.
We can’t control others but we can control ourselves. We can become aware and take ownership of our poor behaviours and how they’re affecting our lives and the lives of those we care about. We can choose to change. Others can point these behaviours out to us but no one can make us see and change them until we’re personally ready to go into that painful darkness and do the work.
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