This Is How We Change The World

Amy Frank
Aug 22
9 min read

Updated: Sep 2

This Blog was started on Saturday, August 16, 2025:

I seem to have caught a bug… 🤒 My father says I need to let it go, to “set that bug free!” 🤦‍♀️🤪 Either way, it’s been a good day to be a cave dweller. This afternoon I watched “The Greatest Showman” from 2017. I’d only seen it once before, years ago, and nothing about it stood out to me at the time. After watching it again, I’m sure now that my life circumstances played into that. There was no magic back then. There was only pain, survival, and addiction. Love was not a beautiful place, it was chaotic; a roller-coaster of extreme up and down emotions (a disorganized attachment style).

Over the years, I’ve come to enjoy so many songs from this film’s soundtrack that I finally decided to re-watch it. I even used the song “This Is Me” last year to advertise my first-ever solo art show “The Wisdom of Wonderland” on Facebook reels, without truly knowing the movie or context. I’m so glad I re-watched it today. It made me weep… People have always told me it was a phenomenal film but I never understood why, until now.

I sobbed because of all the years I’ve lost to addiction; to a lack of self-love and self-respect; always chasing validation, trying to prove myself. I sobbed because of all the relationships I’ve accepted—the treatments I saw as okay because I didn’t love myself enough to know better; I didn’t understand that those connections weren’t healthy; they weren’t rooted in respect, shared values, or in mutual visions of what we wanted for our futures. This wasn’t the fault of my exes of course, I hadn’t cultivated any of this within myself. I didn’t know my own interests, what I valued, or what I wanted. I lived in a constant state of day to day survival.

I’ve heard that if you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. Looking back, in romance, I always jumped into bed too fast; creating a chemical release and dependency early on. My relationships became another drug fix and like all of my addictions, they, too, were rooted in trauma: Avoidance, anxiety, loneliness, pain, fear, and chaos.

A huge part of healing apparently involves disgust—cringing at how I let people in relationships (of all types) treat me, including myself. I feel especially disgusted by my past romantic relationships these days, although I don’t think my exes are bad or disgusting people. I know that some of them loved me, truly loved me, in the capacity they could at the time; as I, too, loved them.

I realize some people criticize me saying I have idealized notions of romance, where I, in turn, often think our society has normalized the unacceptable in far too many areas. Healing has allowed me to redefine what love and sex mean to me. I feel disgusted, as one example, that I let men touch my body while their minds were focused on some porn-star (or whoever) and not at all on me in those moments. Modern day psychology says it’s normal to be attracted to other people while in a relationship, especially in the long-term, and even to fantasize about them (though for proper context I’ll add that they’d also say we can experience attraction without acting upon it), but for me, I say “No”.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with polyamory or open relationships. There’s obviously a lot of kinks and fetishes in this world as well (I’ve certainly got my own). As long as people are open, honest, transparent, and everyone involved is genuinely on board (and legally able to be so) then I personally see no reason to look down upon anyone for their preferences or choices—it’s lying and deception in these areas that I see as wrong. And, if my lover and I are not present with each other in the intimate moments that we’re apart or together, then I don’t want it. I’ve come to see sexual union as sacred.

I feel sickened from what my former self-hatred allowed. I didn’t understand that life could be so much more than what I knew it as; that the ways I was being treated (and how I was treating others) weren’t rooted in respect and therefore weren’t truly rooted in love. Watching this movie reminded me how important it is to embrace one’s authentic self, no matter how society or others may criticize and judge.

“𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕕𝕠𝕟’𝕥 𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕕 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦; 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕒 𝕗𝕖𝕨 𝕘𝕠𝕠𝕕 𝕡𝕖𝕠𝕡𝕝𝕖.”

~𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔾𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝕊𝕙𝕠𝕨𝕞𝕒𝕟

This year, I’ve spoken a lot about people pleasing. I recently learned how selfish it is, which was surprising to me. People pleasing is rooted in self-preservation, not in genuinely caring for nor helping another. It’s a fear of being disliked, of letting others down, of being abandoned, or rejected. Withholding our own needs and feelings to be accepted by others is selfish, although I certainly understand it, especially as a trauma response. The more I learn about myself—what I value and want in life, the more I’ve learned the necessity of boundaries. The more I set boundaries, the more I understand why setting boundaries is so scary (a lot of people have adverse reactions). Boundaries don’t need to be iron barred doors however; they can also be gentle guidelines:

“This is what I’m looking for”

“This is what I will and will not accept”

“This is what I need to feel safe and respected within this connection”

“This is what I’m capable of”

~~~

Today, I wept. It was needed. I do love myself yet that doesn’t mean my life is carefree and easy. I feel everything—intensely. In the past my unhealed wounds: Pain, lust, vanity, anger, insecurities, and envy, led me to treating people horrifically (myself included). I lived a life of inner hatred, outer resentments, lies, and deception for far too long…

Despite being unwell, today I woke up in my clean and tidy home. House cleaning has become an integral part of my lifestyle. Although I’ve always been very tidy and organized, in the past I lived in my own filth. Over the years I’ve learned to see house cleaning as another way I get to show myself that I love me, as I enjoy living in a clean and tidy home. Looking back at dating, I’d often clean just before someone came over. I can see now how that was false advertising (though some may call it the “honey moon period”). I was pretending to live in a way that I actually didn’t so I’d seem more desirable. It wasn’t sustainable of course, as it wasn’t genuine. The truth will always come to light at some point. I think that’s one of the best things about life: We can count on that fact.

“𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕀 𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖, 𝕓𝕖𝕔𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖’𝕤 𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕀’𝕞 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕙𝕪 𝕠𝕗.”

~𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔾𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝕊𝕙𝕠𝕨𝕞𝕒𝕟, “𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕀𝕤 𝕄𝕖”

I know I say this a lot but I feel as if I crawled through the bowels of hell to get to where I am now; that’s how I was able to find the light and take my power back. I can’t change other people, I can only change myself, so taking accountability for the roles I was playing in my own suffering was my ticket out. I had to go into the darkness to discover the ways I was acting that were harming me and all those I cared about. It was the only way I could break the cycle.

As a single woman, when I listen to the song “This Is Me” from “The Greatest Showman”, I sing that line to myself: “…and I know that I deserve your love, because there’s nothing I’m not worthy of.”

Self-love, for me, began with self-reflection and honesty. I had to turn and face myself, and that—that was hell. It was humiliating and humbling. I had to face the person I saw in the mirror—a person I didn’t want to look at. I knew I had to though, as I knew I wouldn’t be successful in removing the psychiatric medications if I didn’t first look at what was driving my mental instability, mood swings, and addictions. I couldn’t run anymore.

This has been the foundation of all my addiction recovery. Gradually, through chosen actions, I’ve turned that self-honesty, and the shame that proceeded, into self-respect by getting to know my shadows. Knowing my darkness—all those ugly parts I tried to hide and run from, is what’s empowered me. By intimately getting to know my own activations—such as anger, lust, and envy—I now get to choose how I show up as I’ve also discovered my values. I’ve earned my own love and respect by continuously challenging myself to act in a way that aligns with my values so my actions stem from choice, not impulse. For me, this has required learning emotional regulation and interpersonal skills. I’ve shifted how I see my emotions, triggers, and activations. They’re no longer something that’s wrong with me—they’re messengers: Important opportunities for learning and growth—like a neon sign flashing “This way!!! Here’s what needs to be looked at, healed, or changed!!” This shift has been a game changer as has integrating what I call “The Four Pillars of Health”: Sleep, Food, Movement, & Connection, as I do find that what I eat and physical movement (as a couple examples from those Four Pillars) deeply impact my overall health and well-being.

My recovery journey has been terribly lonely, especially as an Empath; I see right through people’s masks. Smiles lie. Words lie. Vibrations don’t. It’s said that authenticity is the most powerful positive vibration as well as the marker of true beauty. I believe that for the latter as true beauty isn’t afraid to be ugly, silly, or disliked. It’s always better to be hated for who one is than loved for a lie.

Every time I’ve chosen myself, it’s meant walking away from someone else. Not because I’m better but because when a person quits drinking, as one example, they often can’t continue spending time with their drinking buddies or they’re much more likely to relapse. To some, especially those who are still struggling, the person walking away may seem selfish, however none of us are required to drown ourselves to be with someone who’s not ready to get out of the water. Sometimes the greatest act of love is to let people walk their own paths; even if it means loving them from afar. Once we have saved ourselves however, when we know how to swim; how to let-go when needed; and how to support others in the water without drowning ourselves; when our sea legs can also stand, skip, walk, jump, and run firm on the ground—then I do feel it’s our responsibility to go back in. The survival of our species depends on our ability to rely on each other. There’s strength in knowing how to support oneself and we’re stronger when we work together.

Self-love isn’t a requirement for anyone to be worthy of love, we’re all intrinsically worthy just as we are right now, and when we love and respect ourselves we’re much less likely to tolerate treatment that doesn’t align with that. This doesn’t mean shaming those who are still struggling however. The more I get to know my own shadows, the more compassion and grace I have towards the shadows of others; and boundaries are still important as I also matter. Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional tolerance. I can understand where someone’s actions stem from and still say “No, it’s not okay to treat me like that.”

“𝕀𝕥'𝕤 𝕦𝕡 𝕥𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕚𝕥'𝕤 𝕦𝕡 𝕥𝕠 𝕞𝕖

ℕ𝕠 𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕔𝕒𝕟 𝕤𝕒𝕪 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕨𝕖 𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖

𝕊𝕠 𝕨𝕙𝕪 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕨𝕖 𝕣𝕖𝕨𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕤?

ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕚𝕟' 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕝𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤”

~𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔾𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝕊𝕙𝕠𝕨𝕞𝕒𝕟, “ℝ𝕖𝕨𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕤”

I do believe that we can indeed rewrite the stars (or that we can, at least, change how we connect the dots). The more I heal the more I understand the true power of my thoughts.

Some people say that healing begins with believing one is worthy of being well. So many in the mental health and addiction recovery communities feel unworthy of love and good things in life. I, however, say that healing begins with believing it’s possible.

If you woke up tomorrow and your life were perfect, what would it look like? Now go further than that… what would it look like if it were perfect for you and all life on this planet?

“Seeing” is said to be believing, however belief is the foundation of everything we build. First, we have to dream it. Then, and only then, can we start planning out ways to make it real.

“𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 𝕟𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕀 𝕝𝕚𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕓𝕖𝕕

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕓𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝕔𝕠𝕝𝕠𝕣𝕤 𝕗𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕞𝕪 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕕

𝔸 𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞𝕤 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕜𝕖𝕖𝕡𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕨𝕒𝕜𝕖

𝕀 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕜 𝕠𝕗 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕝𝕕 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕓𝕖

𝔸 𝕧𝕚𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕀 𝕤𝕖𝕖

𝔸 𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞𝕤 𝕚𝕤 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕚𝕥'𝕤 𝕘𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕒 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖

ℍ𝕠𝕨𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕓𝕚𝕘, 𝕙𝕠𝕨𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕤𝕞𝕒𝕝𝕝

𝕃𝕖𝕥 𝕞𝕖 𝕓𝕖 𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕚𝕥 𝕒𝕝𝕝

𝕊𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞𝕤 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕞𝕖

𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕞𝕒𝕪 𝕓𝕖 𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥, 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕞𝕒𝕪 𝕓𝕖 𝕨𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘

𝔹𝕦𝕥 𝕤𝕒𝕪 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦'𝕝𝕝 𝕓𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕘

𝕋𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕝𝕕 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕤𝕖𝕖

𝕋𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕝𝕕 𝕀 𝕔𝕝𝕠𝕤𝕖 𝕞𝕪 𝕖𝕪𝕖𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕖𝕖”

~𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔾𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝕊𝕙𝕠𝕨𝕞𝕒𝕟, “𝔸 𝕄𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝔻𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞𝕤”

Belief alone is not enough of course, we also have to take action. And, when we believe that we can—when we believe that something is possible—we’re much more likely to begin seeking out solutions; mapping out a realistic blueprint of what it’ll take to bring it to fruition.

This is how we change our lives. This is how we change the world. We start with our thoughts—our imagination—our beliefs. We dream it. We believe that it’s possible.

Much Love & Huge Hugs,

~Amy (and Saba)